Of sad and depressing movie

Even though it is final exams, I still have the time to watch drama series. I just do not know what is going to happen to my exams.

It was sad, depressing and definitely river of tears flowed through my eyes. Pathetic ain't it?

I wonder why I love watching these kind of romantics yet melancholy movie. And I know, not just me, other people are just the same. As for me, I can say I relate to the characters. Happy ending or not, there will be a character that hurts inside. Nobody realizes, pity him, sincerely I sympathize him. I think that character as me, was not neglected but overlooked. Maybe because the mask we put on made people misread what's in our heart.

When talking about love, whether it is straight character or the opposite, it is all the time unbearable to lose your love. Me? I cannot even love. I do not even know what to love. A man or a woman. Culturally and religiously need man to love the opposite gender, what more on marriage. Depressing, somber, gloomy, all the adjectives I can think of could not describe my feelings. Ahhh, this ain't right.

At least, through these movies, dramas or whatsoever medias, I can escape myself. Put my sympathy to someone else than to myself. Cry for someone else bad luck instead of mine, and laugh for man made characters' happiness rather than mine which God knows when or will I be able to find it. That are the least I can do. Pity them; characters. Pity me, pity me, a character of my own world of despair.

This feeling of mine.

I hate this feeling, yesterday I was over the moon, today I was depressed.

Inchik S, a name I mentioned countless times in this blog of mine. He is as straight as a ruler, but this stupid side of me decided to have a feeling on him. Stupid is the word suits me best.

I am a bit sad and depressed. I know I won't have Inchik S as my other half or anything along the line, I have been yielding false hope for myself. I can't help it.

This evening my dad said we might have to move if he got a promotion. It's only two more years for him until his retirement, so he said we don't have to follow him if he was transferred. At first, the thought of moving was delightful. We'll only have to stay for two more years, then we'll be back. Besides, I would love to see new scenery and places. Later on, I went lepak-lepak with Inchik S and other friends, I realized something. If I had to move, then I'll be leaving these friends I have here. Not to mention, Inchik S. Even the thought of it breaks my heart. Not seeing him for two years, it's heartbreaking. People say, distance sometimes keeps the heart away too. Oh my...

I hope, crossing my fingers for this hope, dad will get his promotion but we will not have to move away.

Inchik S, 2013.

Movie Night

Ahhh tonight has never been any better.

Basically, I went out with some friends to watch 47 Ronin. We planned to watch the 9.50pm show but it since we arrived there quite late, only the most front sits were available. We were definitely not going to risk our neck from breaking and eyes from soaring. So, we ended up with the midnight show.

Now, one of my friend was joking in a very sexual and erotic way to me and only me. He is very good looking, handsome indeed. But his attitude makes his look, for me at least, does not match. I didn't like his constant 'joke' on me. Flirting with me, saying sexual slurs etc. Because I gave unpleasant reaction to his flirting joke, he tried it on Inchik S. Yes, he was there with us. There's no way I went there without him, LOL. Anyway, Inchik S hated his joke too, he avoided this annoying friend at all.

Why did I talk about this. Here's the thing, I wanted to test Inchik S's reaction if I was the one who did that. Well, I didn't actually do it in a joke form, just held his arm for no reason, and he did not avoid it or said nothing about it. Instead, he just let me held his arm. I didn't hold his arm like a girl did to a boy, well, it was kind of awkward way of holding but it is also (and should be) awkward because I was holding his arm with no reason whatsoever. Yet, I know he let me held him. Asking me what to eat, standing very close to me until our body touched each other. In my mind, I was like screaming in joy. I was and am happyyyyy!!!

He's unpredictable sometimes, his signs. Or maybe it was me who mistook him. I don't know, what I know is that I am on cloud nine now. Ahhhh, I just feel awesome tonight.

*let me be in my imagination.

Of Inchik S and Me

Whenever I am at home, I would definitely spend some time with my friends here. Among these friends, Inchik S is one of them.

Tonight I met him, lepak-lepak at our usual favorite place. How long has it been since the last time I met him? Around 1 month or more I guess. I miss him.

We didn't talk much. We didn't sit near to each other and we didn't look at one another that often too. Like I said, things just a little awkward when we meet face to face. But when it comes to chatting through other medium, we write like we have always been so close. Well, we  are actually, LOL.

Anyway, I miss him. I can repeat that sentence over and over again. He i still the same, cute but sharp looking. I wanted to sit near him and watched every move he made. I am obsess with him. Oh how so I wish my other friends were not there. *blushing*

Anyway, that's all of my daily crap. Good bye.

Humane human

Assalamualaikum.

Yesterday I traveled back to my hometown. It was more than a month since the last time I came back home. Yeah, though it is not that long, I still miss home very much. And glad to arrive here last night.

Two days ago, it was Thursday evening when I just came out of the library and heading back to my room. On my way, a voice stopped me. "Adik, pak cik nak ke Jalan Klang Lama, boleh bawak pak cik tak?" He is an old man I know working at the hostel's cafe, selling delicious chicken chop. One can be assured to love the chicken chop he makes, and I am one of his familiar regular customer.

"Eeemmm," I was hesitated. "Boleh pak cik, tapi saya tak tahu jalan," I gave excuses at first. "Tidak mengapa, kalau ngak tahu boleh ditanyain orang. Malu bertanya sesat jalan," said that pitiful Indonesian old man who tried to make me bring him there.

Long story short, I did take him to his desired destination. Apparently he just bought a car, small compact Kancil enough to bring his wife and him back and forth from home to work. However, I would not say this as funny, he do not have a license yet or even know how to drive. That's why he asked me to bring him there, using his car.

No thing interesting happened actually, it's just I was lost during our way back to my university. But that was when we had a long windy yet absorbing conversation. He told me about his previous work as a labor worker, how hardship brought him here. His children whom he left back in Indonesia, his family and even his tradition. I was astonished by his stories, his experience and how life teaches him to survive in this foreign land. Even though life keeps making him fall, he climbed back up. Still, he is grateful.

How life has made a strong man, standing and still fighting to survive. Not wanting to give up as he knows people, especially his family is depending on him. His sorrow and pain were his motivation, not his setback.

******************

It was a lucky day yesterday. As soon as I arrived at Puduraya, a bus was going to depart. Heaven was on my side maybe, I got a ticket on site and the bus departed as soon as I went aboard. Before arriving at the stop I was to go down, I decided to sit at the front of the bus, just next to the driver. I initiated a conversation. "Abang drive sorang je malam ni?" "A'ah, kejap lagi ade lagi satu trip pukol 12.30malam, itu berdua la." Then the driver went on asking me whether I am still studying and I answered him. He said he sent all of his children to religious school. It is not that he wants his children to be Ustaz or Ustazah, at least in religious school his children will get the basic information about Islam and are able to use that knowledge they gain.

I was glad to see how parents things of these things for their children. Although they are not well establish, knowledge still is the priority for their children. It is the only thing that can change human to become more humane, at least. I am glad I had thess great encounters. 

Jang - Inchik S.

I promised to write everyday, am I not?

Unfortunately I was overwhelmed with assignments and other tasks, so things were a little hectic for me. But fear not since classes are over now, it's the start of study week! No class, no assignment, and I am going back and pamper myself with a lot of movies. Not to mention to stuff my face with food, lot of them! LOL.

I never miss to contact Inchik S through Facebook chat, well even though there is nothing much to talk, since I like him, I just can't stop myself from harassing him whenever he online.

In our chat, I sometimes playfully called him 'sayang', 'baby', 'babe' or 'honey' just to show my affection towards him, and how thick face I am. Anyway, these few days his chat on Facebook  started with 'Jang'. He calls me Jang now! I am super excited. You know why? Because I am assuming, since I called him 'sayang', 'Jang' is  shortened and shy form of 'sayang'. *dush*

Yes, I am delusional. At least, there's a relation, he didn't get mad at me for calling him sayang or other manja-manja names I had been using on him. I shall take that as a good sign, hehe. Anyways, Jang is getting me excited all over the place. I even rant about this on twitter even though I know he reads, more to stalk, my twitter posts. I don't care, it's just name, no sins  we'll get from this (except for sins of naughty thoughts I might have now, lalala).

Until then, see y'alls! Bye. ;)

Team bonding

Happy Friday y'alls!

I have a sudden revelation to write a post about a team bonding event that I went last Tuesday. It was for a bureau of a club that I join. Fun it was, indeed.

We had chicken bbq, some fried rice, sandwiches, sausages and more. I was part of the committee who prepared all that stuff. Well, it's only for small group of people, so it's not that hard.

Anyway, after the eating and laughing stuff, we played games, one or two. It started of so lame with a game of telling whether the infos we got were fact or the opposite. Yeah, that game ended quickly. After we decided to end that game, we proceed with a true or dare game. Now the fun just about to start.

To spin a bottle is kinda impossible since we are quite huge in number, so we passed around an object while the music is playing. When it's randomly stopped, the person with the object needs to choose either to answer a truthful question or to do a dare. Well the dare was actually to eat the leftover chicken since we have more and everyone has stopped eating it because we were too full.

There's this one time when the object stopped at our head assistant bureau. I was so mischievous that night, I asked her, does she has any feeling while working with our head bureau for the past one year? LOL, everyone was eager to know and I didn't know how the hell I thought about that question!

She was very shy and timid to answer the question, but we get the signal! Then the object stopped at our head bureau, and I asked the very same question! Do you have any feeling towards her during this whole year working together as head and assistant? He did answer though, with confidence, like a man! Yes. Simple yet gave a lot of meaning. Then I asked again, do you have anyone here you especially fond of? Yes, she's here. Beautiful, white and is wearing a Jubah right now. Everyone knew who she was of course, I LOL-ed hard.

We have never realized that they could have something between them, seriously! They did their work efficiently together and it was awesome. I believe they would make a great couple, if they do. Anyway, that's all from me. Gossiping about other people.

Bye~  *wink*

I you could see.

Frankly speaking, it has been a fortnight since I last have my night sleep. I always stay up at night, going to class in the morning then after classes end, I sleep. Yup, I sleep in  the evening.

Today's the same, well supposedly. However because of my assignment that I need to finish, I had to sacrifice my precious evening sleep and continue doing my due-tomorrow assignment. Shit.

Now I am super tired, super sleepy but I have to continue my assignment since I only have a few hours before the submission's due. Another shit.

My eyebag, urrghhhh, if you could see it, now it is going darker and lower! Shit. I hate this week. Nevertheless, endure this I must. Next week will be the last. Cross my fingers that I will do well, amin.

new beginning

Assalamualaikum.

No, I did not abandon this blog. I did log in once i a while, checking up new posts from blogger friends etc.

Today's class, my lecturer asked the class to write not a journal she said, but a daily log. She wanted us to practice pouring or describing our thought in form of words. Well she has a point, I do have a bit of problem transcribing my thoughts into writing though. I guess I will follow her advice. Maybe tiny bit of rant, nonsense or whatever. And maybe little bit of grammatical error, literal translation since English is not my mother tongue but things are not going to improve if I did not do something, ain't it right?

So let just count this as my first daily rant, or maybe hourly?! LOL, I might end up bitching about someone here, I'll try to refrain myself nevertheless. By the way, I intentionally put pictures of Inchik S and me, just because. Good day, see y'all next time.

Inchik S's and my foot.

We went to Bukit Merah.

Duty call.

Ahhh, lamanya tak sebut tentang Inchik S. Aku pon sebenarnya lama tak jumpa Inchik S. Last jumpa haritu minggu lepas, dalam kesibukan belajar, aku sempat ponteng satu dua kelas untuk balik kampung. Sempat pergi kenduri kahwin kawan sekolah dan semestinya sempat jugaklah untuk aku lepak dengan kawan-kawan yang lain termasuklah Inchik S.

Tapi yang tak bestnya time lepak-lepak tu, aku dengan Inchik S duduk macam jauh sikit. So aku tak dapat nak tatap muka dia puas-puas, hehe. Dan sekali tu je aku sempat lepak dengan Inchik S dan rakan-rakan yang lain, sebab lepas tu aku keluar pergi kenduri rakan sekolah aku dan lepak sampai lewat malam.

Tadi aku chat dengan Inchik S kat facebook, aku tentang job hunting dia. iba-tiba aku rasa sebak bila dia kata mungkin dia akan dapat kerja kat KL, tak dapat la nak jumpa selalu lepas ni. Memang lah aku pon sekarang ada kat KL, tp readers sekalian faham tak perasaan aku? Leps ni masing-masing kitorang dah akan ada tanggungjawab sendiri, susah nak luangkan masa untuk kawan-kawan. Inchik S pulak akan berada jauh, mungkin dia akan jumpe kawan-kawan baru, atau mungkin dia akan berkahwin, siape tahu kan? Lepas ni, mungkin aku dan Inchik S sekadar akan berjumpa sebagai sahabat biasa, tak ada nak bermanja-manja or at least something like that.

Sedih dan sebak bila memikirkn perkara ni. Itulah kehidupan, tiap-tiap orang terpaksa berubah disebabkan tanggungjawab. Harapnya, tanggungjawab tidak akan memisahkan persahabatan aku dan Inchik S.

My roommate is....!

Shocking news!
You know, there's this app on phone called Jack'd. Of course I have an account there, looking for friends, not more than that. Earlier this semester, a friend of my had an account on the same app. We chatted a bit and so on. On my way back, we met my roommate, my friend then said he seems familiar. That friend  said my roommate might have a profile on he app we are using. I denied, saying it's impossible cause he always acts pious, though not really.

Long story short, few weeks ago I actually found my roommate's profile! SHIT! I swear in my mind. He's online. Quickly I blocked his profile and I believe he never saw mine. I am very discreet, I do not want somebody to know what I am doing etc. and I am definitely not into the idea of having a gay roommate! I think, he believes the same. That's why he kept his secret tight. Besides, he's ugly. LOL.

Just now, he went out somewhere and left his laptop on. Lucky me I just have to look at it without even touching it, he left his folder where he kept his porn open! SHIT! I swear in my again again, louder! This guys really is gay.

My roommate is gay!

Get real.

Here is another gay based theme movie. Just like the last time, it contains very little sex scenes, but focuses more on the sexual orientation. Although I might say this is not as good as The Matthew Shepard Story, it's not bad either. Very 'light' story line if I can say that.

The thing is, with every gay theme movie, you will always see people like us get bullied, incidence that made them for who they are and more. One thing I paid extra attention was when John, the protagonist's lover made a statement about why he's gay. It was said that his friend took advantage on him, but he himself thinks the other way. He actually let his friend did what he did because partly, he enjoyed it. At first he claimed it was his friend's action that turned him that way but when he met the protagonist, he was assured or rather confused because he still likes doing 'it'.

I was in the same boat as John. The history was, my friend kind of molested me but I let him do it. Well, at first I blamed him for turning me this way, then I blamed my innocent part of me for knowing what my friend did to me and agree to it. But later, again like John was, I discovered I enjoy what was did to me. It was wrong, I know, however lust controls logic mind. The first step to my dark life.

 I will stop here now, revealing my past to much won't be good. Besides, no one's reading when I write my entry in English. I wonder why? I was flabbergasted by Malaysians proficiency in writing and reading in English. I am learning, my English is not perfect but I believe being shy and timid won't help to improve your skills even the slightest. I hope Malaysians especially Malays to improve on this part particularly if they want to compete with beast of the real world. Until then, adios amigos. Voila!

The Matthew Shepard Story

Watch this story, please. Gay or not, you can watch this for it does not revolve around sex. Instead it is about one sexual orientation, which is Matthew Shepard. Sad I may say but I would say no more.

Like the story, what we are, what we are to face everyday is very challenging. There's a Malay movie, Sutun, the main character said what we are now is actually God's test to us, to see how we face it because he created us strong and not weak. God does not give challenges that man cannot take.

Even that said, I am not begging for mere sympathy from dear readers, I just want to convey this story of our lives or at least what my lives all this while. We mix with 'normal' people, straight that is, we pretend that we are them, sexual preference, though we are not. I guess, that is find. We can still live with that. Now, 'normal' people bash people like us, gays. Because we are pretending, we either have to agree or say nothing. I do the later. It is inevitably sad to say cruel stuff to people you know you are apart of it. Hear the bad words from your own friends and family members, to know the people you care hate people like you just killing you.

There is no one you can go and ask for their shoulders to cry for, or time to listen to you, none. Basically we live alone in this world. People around you do not know you for who you are and they are definitely do not love you for what you are since truth are never for them to know. It is just a fake life we created for them and for us, really, to stay alive and to keep the happiness.

No, I don't ask for sympathy. I just want anyone who reads my blog to know what i feel to be people like us, me.

Sincerely, CB.

Aku dan gadis bertudung labuh di whatsapp.

"Assalamualaikum CB, ambe dah tak pakai line, wechat atau kakaotalk dah tau. Ambe cume pakai whatsapp ni je. Saje bagi tahu kalau-kalau CB ada ape2 nak contact."

"Ouh okay. Thank you beritahu kat ambe."

"Ambe pon sebenarnya ada crush jugak." Bicara si gadis bertudung labuh itu, memulakan perbualan yang mulanya sedikit kekok.

"Oh, haritu kan gadis dah beritahu. Tapi bukan budak universiti inikan? Bagaimana gadis boleh berjumpa dan berkenalan dengan lelaki tu?" Soal aku ringkas tetapi padat.

"Ambe dah lame kenal dengan lelaki tu. Dia rakan sekolah ambe. Sekarang ni dia sedang belajar di US. Mulanya crush, tetapi sekarang mungkin dah serius. Both of our parents know about us. Tapi kami bukanlah couple, cuma mungkin seperti cop kot."

Aku terdiam. Wajah aku tidak memaparkan apa-apa reaksi. Sejujurnya, aku tidak tahu sama ada aku harus kecewa, sedih atau pun gembira yang mana logik akalnya menolak perasaan gembira itu. Sungguhpun aku perlu kecewa kerana gadis yang aku idam-idamkan perawannya, sudah dimiliki orang, aku tidak merasakan begitu. Sedih pula jauh sekali.

"By the way CB, ambe nak tanye ni. Akim (kawan aku, bukan nama sebenar) pernah ade crush dekat sape-sape tak?"

"Eh? Haha, ade. Tapi ambe tak bolehlah nak beritahu Gadis. Rahsiakan?" Balas aku sambil mengukir senyuman. Bukannya aku harap gadis bertudung labuh itu dapat melihat senyuman aku, cuma aku ikhlas memberikan senyuman atas soalan yang gadis lemparkan itu. Namun aku juga sedikit kehairanan, mengapa gadis bertanyakan tentang Akim kepada aku.

"Sebenarnye dulu ambe minat dekat si Akim ni. Or actually minat family die, haha."

Aku hairan.

"Ambe dulu suke bace post-post Akim dekat facebook. Banyak yang bermanfaat. Kemudian ambe terbace conversation him and his mom, menarik sangat. Ambe bace blog adik perempuan die jugak. In other words, he has great family. And he himself is a great man. Tapi dulu jela ambe minat kat die, mase tu lost contact dengan kawan dekat US tu sekejap."

"Oh." aku balas, mudah. Akim jugalah rakan aku yang rapat. Dia seorang jugalah yang tahu aku pernah meminati si gadis bertudung labuh ini, pernah, tidak lagi meminatinya.

Aku dan Si Gadis Bertudung Labuh

"If you tell yours, I will tell mine. Trade." tweet gadis bertudung labuh itu.
"You know that I can lie, besides yours is not a student here. I can't stalk him or search him through the campus, what's the point them." aku membalas tweet gadis itu dengan panjang. Bukannya aku marah,cuma rimas sedikit apabila diasak oleh gadis itu. Aku nekad untuk merahsiakan nama crush aku, kerana crush aku adalah gadis itu sendiri.

"Okay then, sorry." balas gadis itu lagi. "No, I should be sorry. Just remember this, curiosity kills the cat." aku sampaikan amaran itu. Lembut tapi dalam maknanya. Andai dia terus mendesak, dan rahsia ini terlepas dari bibir aku, mesti masing-masing akan menyesal. Gadis itu menyesal bertanya dan aku menyesal memberitahu.

"Miss crush suka korea tak? Nanti boleh la menari sama-sama." Aku tweet di suatu hari. Aku dapati tweet aku dibalas oleh seseorang. Segera aku menekan butang mention untuk melihat siapa dan apa yang di balas.
"Dari si gadis bertudung labuh" kata hati keil aku, sedikit kegembiraan. "Tanyelah die sendiri." aku baca dari tweet gadis itu seolah-olah dia sedang tersenyum dan membisikkan ayat tersebut pada aku sendiri. Aku juga tersenyum, seperti mana aku membayangkan dia tersenyum. "Eeemmm, malulah. Ambe dop kecek sangat dengan dia. Jupe pong jarang." aku mencubakan diri menggunakan dialek Terengganu, dialek asalnya gadis itu. "CB suke IU?Ambe suke sangat lagu die, Someday." Aku sedikit terkejut dengan balasan tweet yang aku terima. Kenapa dia bertanyakan aku tentang IU? Adakah dia cuba memberitahu dia juga menyukai Korea? Adakah dia tahu crush aku adalah dia?

"IU - Someday? Ambe dop penah dgr plak. Dakpo, nnt ambe cari kat utube" balas aku.

All American Boy

Ripped Jeans, only drinks whiskey:
I find him by the fire while his girl was getting frisky, oh...
I say we go this road tonight

He smiles, his arms around her
But his eyes are holdin' me, just a captive to his wonder, oh...
I say we go this road tonight

Now I know that that's your girl; I mean no disrespect:
The way that shirt hugs your chest boy, I just won't forget
I'll be sittin' here, drinking my whiskey;
I won't say goodnight unless I think ya might miss me, oh...

(Chorus)
Be my All-American boy tonight
Where everyday's the 4th of July
And it's alright, alright
And we can keep this up 'til the morning light
And you can hold me deep in your eyes
It's alright, alright:
So be my, be my
My All-American boy

Ripped jeans, tight shirt:
He lights a cigarette you know I'm glad that she can't stand it, oh...
I drink the moonlight from his eyes

Now hold there, just a moment
I want to take this in; now we don't need no photo of it, no...
We should go this road tonight

Now I know that that's your girl, and I don't give a damn
She's been cursin' and cryin'; she don't know what she has
So I'll be sittin' here, tryin' hold down my whiskey:
You tell your girl good night cause somebody'd like to kiss me, oh...

(Chorus)

Of all the girls and boys to look my way
Ain't no body ever hit me this way
So won't you come back with me
And lay with me a while

I'm gonna wrestle you out of them clothes
Leave that beautiful body exposed
And you can have my heart and my soul and my body:
Oh, be mine

Be my All-American boy tonighta
Baby you light my fire
It's gonna be alright, alright

(Chorus)

Am I not fit for both?

Baru-baru ni aku direjec both genders, male and female.

Well not exactly di reject betul, just knew that my crushes for both genders do not have any interest on me. So aku terfikir, adakah aku ni tak sesuai untuk mana-mana jantina ke? Aku nak je ade anak dengan seorang wanita, ada isteri yang menjaga kebajikan aku dan tua bersama-sama.

Pada masa yang sama aku nak juga lelaki untuk aku berfoya-foya sekarang. Nak rasa dicintai dan dibelai. *naluri wanita sangat*

Tapi sekarang ni, sedangkan crushes aku pon menyatakan ketidak minatakan mereka terhadap aku. Gimana ni dong?

Takkan nak bujang sorang-sorang. Tak nak la kahwin dengan orang yang aku tak minat. Tak nak jumpa lelaki hanya sekadar minta sex macam kebanyakan mamat-mamat kat luar sana tu. Ish, tak nak aku. Lonely sangat sekarang ni. *gedik gila*

Bye.

Keperluan atau kehendak?

Good day y'all!

Tadi aku lelepak dengan Inchik S. Nope, lepak saja okay. Ini bukan cerita pasal Inchik S, kan aku dah janji, hehe.

Kitorg sembang-sembang tadi pasal awek. Bukan awek aku la semestinye sebab aku takde awek and you know why. Aku tanye pasal awek die, kenape still tak kenalkan kat parent die, kenape hidup macam takde awek je etc.

Pastu die tanye aku, ko apehal takde awek. Kawan-kawan kitorg dari A sampai Z kebanyakkan nyer dah berawek. Aku diam, terpikir. Betul jugak ape die cakap.

Kemudian aku tnye die, umor kite ni tua ke mude lagi untuk berawek-awek ni? TUA! Dayum.

Aku memang teringin nak berawek. Ops silap, peneman hidup (jantina tak dapat dikenal pasti). Bukannye taknak, tapi aku takot. Dah tu aku tak jumpe sape2 yang berani nak approach aku langsung. Disebabkan kawan-kawan sekeliling kita dah berawek, takkan aku perlu ada hanya disebabkan tu kot? Trend?! Oh tidak.

Tapi memang umur macam aku sekarang ade la fefeeling lonely + horny. Dah la dengan aku yang still konpius, nanti silap pilih orang pulak. Merana sape yang jadik couple aku tu. Aku taknak macam tu. Lagi satu aku taknak jugak keteringinan aku nak berpasangan ni disebabkan keadaan sekeliling. Yelah semua dh berpasangan, tinggal aku je tak. Sape tak terasa forever alone, kan?

Mungkin sebab tulah aku memilih untuk lebih berhati-hati dalam pemilihan pasangan. Aku taknak terburu-buru walaupon hormon tengah meninggi. Tapi harapan kalau jumpe seseorang secara ikhlas tu tetap ade. Janganlah lelama sangat yer, haha.

Bye y'all.

I ain't pathetic

Dengan nama Allah...
Assalamualaikum.

Hey yo, wassup?!

Amboih CB, baru-baru ni rajin ko post entry 3 hari berturut-turut noh. Dan semuanya pasal si Inchik S ko kan?! (Cakap kat diri sendiri)

I have made my mind, dah pikir dalam-dalam, contemplated this decision deeeeeep enough, aku akan berhenti menulis tentang Inchik S! No, this is not a writing about Inchik S, this is just me telling my thought on me writing bout Inchik S, get it?

Bukan ape, bila diusyar-usyar kembali, aku nampak menyedihkan la pulak bile asyik mengharapkan orang yang konpem-konpem takleh kite dapat. No, I ain't pathetic.

Memang aku boleh bercerita kat sini tanpa berkias-kias sebab korang tak kenal aku sape, tapi tk bermakna korang tak rase aku menyedihkan, betul tak? Macam post sebelum ni, memang aku takkan mudah untuk tunaikan janji ni, tapi aku akan berusaha! Dia adalah rakan aku dan aku adalah rakan dia. He is no more between the line of heaven and hell. I pulled him out from that line. Mungkin dia masih di situ, kadang-kadang, tapi aku akan berusaha.

Gimme some time, baru sehari. A great journey begins with small steps. I cannot forget, but I will ignore. Pray for me, pray for Syria, pray for Muslims all over the world.

This is my OST

One more post in regard to Inchik S.
This is my OST of my life.

BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL

I will try to just hate you
Because the more I embrace you, the more I hurt
Although by morning I will forget everything
and seek you out again.

I will try to just delay it
A love that can't be used
Time will flow by us however it pleases.

I am sorry
I still think about you
I still love you.

I know I can't ever fully let go of you.

I will love you one more day
Only lies again
Because when I see you I forget everything,
smile.

I will try to forget just one day
Words I know I can't keep
If I can't see you I hurt and cry
And only make empty promises.

Going between heaven and hell with you on the line.

I hate myself for becoming more desperate
More things gone wrong
The moments you used to look at me and smiled
Seemed so long ago.

I will just smile
So you won't fully understand what I feel
Because I know you can't never take my heart.

I will love you one more day
Only lies again
Because when I see you I forget everything,
smile.

I will try to forget just one day
Words I know I can't keep
If I can't see you I hurt and cry
And only make empty promises.

Going between heaven and hell with you on the line.

Inchik S

Penatnyer harini, tapi hati ni gembira.

Seperti perancangan aku dan Inchik S, kami keluar berjumpa nenek S. Nenek tinggal dengan keluarga Pak Ngah Inchik S, ramai anak-anak Pak Ngah.

Perasan macam kawan yang baik, siap sedia dengan ciri-ciri menantu idaman, aku tonjolkan semasa berjumpa nenek.

Seronok tengok rapatnya Inchik S dengan nenek, dengan keluarga pak ngah. Aku pun ringan-ringankan mulut berbual kosong untuk tunjuk kekonon mesra dan baik. Ingatkan sekejap, tapi lama jugak kami di rumah pak ngah. Sampainya sana dalam pukul 330petang, dijamu nasi ayam dan kuih raya, berlarutan hingga hampir 700malam. Kami gerak ke kedai makan berhampiran, nenek dan mak ngah puasa, makanya Inchik S ingin belanja keluarga pak ngah. Jumlah kami makan semuanya lebih rm140. Murah hati Inchik S tolong bayarkan semuanya. Sebelum pulang nenek hulurkan duit saku untuk aku dan Inchik S, aku tolak. Terlalu besar dan tk layak untuk aku terima.

Entah kenapa, aku sedikit gembira melihat sisi baik Inchik S. Sesekali aku lihat diri sendiri, mungkin tuhan temukan aku dan Inchik S adalah sebagai contoh tauladan?

Sebelum kami ke rumah nenek, kamu berjumpa di Uniqlo. Di sana Inchik S sempat belikan ibunya sehelai sweater. Aku kagum.

Pulang dari rumah nenek pula, kami singgah di Dominos Pizza, Inchik S belikan Chocolate Lava Cake untuk ibunya juga. Aku kagum lagi.

Aku mulai terfikir, mungkin dari aku sukakan dia untuk yang tidak sepatutnya, lebih baik aku sukakannya untuk sikapnya. Jadikan dia contoh untuk aku jadi lebih baik.

Yang penting harini hati aku suka sekali. Terbaca pula komen pembaca untuk post yang sebelumnya di dalam kereta dengan Inchik S disebelah, sedikit tergelak. Kehairanan Inchik S. Mungkin esoknya aku pula nak bawa dia keluar, bowling maybe? :-)

Terlupa pula, sewaktu di Uniqlo, sempat Inchik S tunjuk beberapa helai baju dan sebut alangkah sukanya dia jika kekasihnya berpakaian sedemikian, sedikit seksi (awek dia tudung labuh). Pertama kalinya aku merasai hati ni sikit sakit, pelik sangat. Perasaan ni macam cemburu. Hhmmm...

Apa-apa pun, macam pembaca kata, dia adalah rakan aku. Aku akan terus menjadi rakan dia. Biar kami jadi rakan selamanya, insyaAllah.

I am really confuse, big time!

Assalamualaikum...

Tak, aku tak busy sangat. Baru berhenti kerja, semester baru kan nak mula dah. Walaupon tiada post baru dari aku, tapi aku tetap buka akaun blogger ni untuk tengok yg terbaru dari rakan-rakan blogger yg lain. Silent reader kekonon, haha.

Tentang tajuk ni, hhmmmm... *sigh*

There is this friend of mine, lemme name him S. Yes, it is HIM, for male. A male friend of mine. Kami berkawan sejak tingkatan 5, tak lama sebenarnya sebab baru 4 tahun mcm tu persahabatan kami. He is kinda nice person, skinny, extra teeth (recently removed), nice straight thick hair, and a bit short than me. I dont know why, recently I am attracted to him, hhhmmmm, comfortable around him to be exact.

Kami selalu keluar lepak, dengan kawan-kawan yang lain sama. Tapi kami jugak selalu keluar berdua, trying new things together, usually trying to eat at expensive places. Atau pun keluar tengok wayang, atau pun saja-saja keluar jejalan since we got nothing to do.

Diasebabkan banyak aktiviti kami buat sekali, kadang-kadang aku rasa macam terseronok pula untul keluar berdua sahaja, tak ada kawan-kawan yang lain. Contoh macam esok, dia ajak aku pergi rumah nenek dia. Lepas tu keluar berendek (dating) katanya. Keluar berendek ni disebut dari dia untuk aku macam seladar melawak,,,,, kot.

Biasanya kalau kami keluar berdua pon bukannya buat apa-apa yang menarik sangat pon bcoz both have no idea of any plan. So kami hanya jalan-jalan buang masa, literally. Bagi aku, walaupon hanya jalan-jalan buang masa, aku suka. Secrectly aku suka duduk bertentangan dengan dia, or tepi dia, then curik-curik tengok real close muka dia. Aku perasan warna pendakap gigi dia, his flawless skin, his beautiful thick and long hair. Not to mention his hairy feet, vein visible on his hand. I myself feel a lil bit creepy knowing I know all of this, haha.

Kami selalu dan lebih banyak bersembang secara open dekat chat facebook. Believe it or not, kalau kami keluar berdua atau dengan kawan-kawan yang lain, perbualan kami memang terhad, terbatas dan sebagainya. Apa yang kami bincang kat fb dengan tak malunya, menjadi malu-malu kalau dibincang secara bersemuka, haha.

Tapi masalahnya, walaupon dia dan aku selesa keluar bersama. Aku tahu dia bukanlah seperti aku, jauh sekali. Dia sedikit alim, selalu sembang bab2 agama, politik dan isu2 semasa. Aku bukannya tak tahu, tapi topik-topik tu bukanlah makanan aku. Plus, he is a good son. Selalu cakap nak beli something kat parents dia, nak buat sesuatu teringat parent dia. Dan dia jugak sedikit, or can be a lot, homophobic. Dia pernah melihat rakan sebiliknya sewaktu di asrama diliwat oleh senior, terus takut dibuatnya.

Aku tahu banyak tentang dia, aku mulai suka berkawan dengan dia. Tapi, makin aku suka, makin aku tahu, makin aku berhati-hati dengan dia. I onced almost told him about my secret, but since I know him well, I kept it hidden to only me. Aku takut dengan pendedahan yang melebih-lebih akan membuatkan dia tak selesa dengan aku. I dont wanna lose a good friend.

Betapa macam perempuannya aku, sebab esok nak g jumpe nenek dia, aku jadik nervous tak tahu nak pakai baju apa. Kemeja dengan cotton slack or t-shirt dengan jean. Macam mana nak greet his uncles and aunties, his granma especially. Rasa macam nak text dia, tanye nak pakai baju apa, warnanya etc. Tapi itu melebih lebih sangat untuk seorang kawan kan? Btw, this friend of mine has a girlfriend, tudung labuh kot!

Him being good to me is like sending a wrong signal, saying 'Im interested on you', which I know it is not true. Aku terkeliru sekejap kadang-kadang. Rasa betul-betul macam pasangan. Kalau kami keluar berdua, kadang-kadang dia biar aku je yang buat keputusan, sampaikan aku pernah cakap kita bagai suami isteri. Dia setuju!

Apa-apa pun, aku cuma harap kami terus berkawan. Aku pulak tak terlanjur dengan pwrasaan dam terus menjadi sahabat yg menyokong dia dalam apa sekali pon. Biar pon terkadang aku keliru.

Kepada Inchik S, my heartbeat is rising.

Sibuk

Lama sudah aku menyepi.
Banyak yang berlaku kebelakangan ni sebenarnya.

Mula-mula emak masih tidak sihat, dah berada di hospital lebih dari seminggu. Kakak aku terpaksa pulang dari Johor ke Pulau Pinang untuk menjaga emak. Mulanya emak tak nak dimasukkan ke wad, susah katanya nak bergerak ke tandas dan sebagainya. Tapi bila kakak pulang dan janji akan menjaganya, dipaksa sedikit, barulah dia bersetuju.

Aku pula sudah bekerja. Sekadar bekerja sementara menunggu semester baru bermula. Dah masuk sebulan lebih aku bekerja, gaji pertama pun dah dapat. Alhamdulillah, adalah dalam 700+. Aku merancang untuk berhenti bila dah cukup dua bulan bekerja, surat berhenti kerja pun dah siap ditulis dan dihantar. Tapi, memandangkan emak telah masukkan ke wad, jadual kerja aku pula tak mengizinkan aku untuk selalu melawat emak, rasa macam nak berhenti sekarang pulak. Hhhmmm.

Kerja tak susah, tak berat. Kadang-kadang bosan, tapi kerja sentiasa ada. Kadang-kadang kami terpaksa cari kerja untuk dibuat sebab nanti dirakam CCTV kalau selalu melepak saja.CCTV pulak akan direview oleh store manager. Bila dah macam tu, aku rasa hipokrit pulak. Bila tahu perbuatan aku dirakam CCTV, aku buat kerja betul-betul. Habis selama ni Allah melihat aku dari atas, tak pernah pulak aku nak beribadah dengan sungguh-sungguh.

Bila dah lama tak tengok blog sendiri, blog orang apatah lagi. Nampaknya blog Putera Mahkota dah diprivatekan. Nak contact dia through Facebook pun tak dapat, nak minta dibenarkan untuk membaca blog dia. Macam mana nak buat. Lagi blog Hidup Mesti Diteruskan pun dah tak ada. Baru tak buka sekejap, dah dua blog tak dapat diakses. Manusia dan kehidupan, memang sentiasa berubah-ubahkan?

Apa-apa pun, dalam aku tulis panjang-panjang ni, harap-harap korang semua berpuasalah yer. Jangan tinggal puasa, kuatkan iman, tinggikan kesabaran, hehe. Dan selamat hari raya! :)

Opposite attracts.

Tajuk Bahasa Inggeris, tapi tetap nak tulis Bahasa Melayu, hehe.
Datang la dengar, nak cerita tentang gadis manis yang aku minat. Macam mana pon aku, aku tetap lelaki.

Awal perkenalan kami adalah melalui satu tugasan kumpulan. Melalui situ aku cuma contact gadis ni untuk hal-hal tugasan kami sahaja. Sepanjang waktu menyiapkan tugasan, serius aku cakap, tak pula terdetik hati ni nak tatap muka dia ke, nak ngorat-ngorat ke, tak adalah. Maka tugasan yang diberikan siap dengan jayanya, markah pon okay kot.

Lepas tugasan kumpulan kami selesai, kelas tersebut masih berlangsung macam biasa. Satu hari kawan aku bercakap pasal gadis ni dekat aku, sebab aku kan ahli kumpulan gadis tu. Kawan aku cakap, muka gadis ni macam artis Jepun yang dia minat, comel. Maka dalam kelas aku pon sembunyi-sembunyi la tatap muka si gadis ni. "Hhmmm, boleh tahan comel. Nak kata sama macam muka artis Jepun tu, sikit je kot," bisik dalam hati. Sedang pandang-pandang tu, adalah terkadang si gadis ni pun macam terpandang aku. Senyum-senyum malulah aku sebab konon-konon tertangkap tengah usyar dia.

Hari yang lainnya, aku terjumpa gadis ni dekat satu majis dalam universiti kami. Kitorang ambil bahagian, buat buku scrap. Aku ternampak dia berdiri jauh sikit dari aku dengan kawan dia, jadi dengan niat hanya untuk menegur, maka aku lambai-lambai kat si gadis. Respon yang dia beri, tak senyum, tak cakap apa, terus ja blah. Aku tidaklah terkilan pun, tapi sedikit hairan dengan sikap gadis tu

Petang lepas majlis tu, aku check phone tengok ada satu mesej. Datangnya dari gadis tersebut, "Boy, maaflah tadi macam buat tak tahu. Saya malu sangatlah tadi. Maaf ye." Sebaik baca mesej tu, terus aku tak terkata apa. Dalam fikiran aku macam, wow perempuan yang malu dengan lelaki, wow!

Aku tak cerita kan ciri-ciri gadis ni kat korang? Gadis, aku namakan gadis sebab bagi aku gadis memaparkan maksud yang suci dan manis yang mana aku rasa sesuai sangat dengan gadis ni. Gadis, putih-putih kuitnya, ada tahi lalat di bawah matanya, senyumnya manis-manis je. Selalu bertudung hitam, labuh dan sentiasa berbaju kurung, menutup aurat dengan sempurna sekali.

Mulai saat aku dapat mesej gadis tu, tentang malunya dia nak bertegur aku, mulai itulah aku macam minat sikit dekat dia. Kitorang still masuk kelas, kalau tegur pon aku yang akan mula. Tapi tak cakap panjang-panjang, cukup sekadar hai, atau sekuntum senyuman.

Ada satu peristiwa, aku dapat mesej lagi dari si gadis, minta maaf sekali lagi kerana tidak menegur aku walaupun dia nampak aku, tentulah alasannya malu. Malangnya aku tak perasan kehadiran dia waktu itu, jadi aku cakap jela yang aku tak kisah. Aku pun beranikan diri mesej si gadis. Tapi tiap-tiap kali aku hendak menghantar mesej, aku pastikan aku mempunyai motif dan alasan yang kukuh. Kalau kitorang mesej pon, aku akan cuba memendekkan perbualan dan hanya bercakap tentang tujuan mesej. Straight to the point bak kata mat salleh. Dalam mesej-mesej gadis, mesti ada 'alhamdulillah', 'insyaAllah', 'dan sebagainya. Gadis ni sangat Islamik. Sebab tulah bila aku mesej dengan dia, aku akan pendekkan. Aku rasa macam bersalah sangat sebab tertarik dengan orang sebaik dia. Baik yang amat sangat, Islamik!

Aku tengok post-post gadis dekat instagram, twitter semuanya berbentuk Islamik. Allah, alhamdulillah di atas perkenalan ini.

Gadis ini, kadang-kadang aku terimaginasi juga tentang kehidupan berkeluarga bersamanya. Subhanallah, mesti bahagiakan hidup? Tapi imaginasi aku pasti akan berakhir dengan penolakan sebab ketakutan. Aku takut orang yang hina macam aku, sangatlah tak layak untuk gadis yang suci macam tu. Zalimlah aku kalau aku dapat isteri macam tu, aku rasa macam menipu bakal isteri aku dan diri aku sendiri. Itulah yang aku sentiasa rasa, yang membuatkan aku sukar nak mendekati wanita. Hhhmmm.

Apa-apa pun, gadis ini, memang gadis yang jarang ditemui. Aku mulai jatuh hati bukan sebab rupa, tapi sebab sifat malunya terhadap lelaki, subhanallah! Aku harap suatu hari nanti si gadis akan dapat putera yang sepadan dan membawa gadis ke syurga Allah. Amin.

Yang sebenarnya.

Awal kalam, sedap tak lagu aku letak ni?
Finally nyanyian Fergie (Balck Eyed Peas)
Entahlah, terngiang-ngiang je lagu ni dalam kepala aku, idea nak tulis blog pon datang sama. Terus aku bukak youtube, search lagu ni dan buat muzik ackground untuk blog. HEHE.

Aku ni bukanlah budak-budak anti sosial sangat, kadang-kadang je, musim exam terutamanya (refer post sebelum ni). Tapi sebagai seorang yang berbeza, PLU, aku memang sangat-sangat menjaga rahsia ni. Kenalan aku dunia realiti langsung takde yang sejenis macam aku. Aku tahu lah beberapa orang yang macam aku, tapi sekadar tahu. Kawan, tidak. Oh kecuali sekali waktu asasi, aku ada kawan rapat yang gay tapi tetap aku jaga rahsia aku, tak bagi tahu kat dia walaupon kitorang ni geng. Kononnya.

Kalau korang perasan, aku jarang labelkan aku sebagai GAY. Aku gantikan dengan PLU (People Like Us). Pada pendapat aku, mungkin aku masih dalam proses 'denial' atau tak mengaku la kata orang. Sebab tu kat realiti, walaupun aku tahu sape gay atau tak, aku tetap kunci mulut rapat-rapat. Bukannya aku taknak kawan, tapi aku cuma taknak orang tahu. Takut agaknya. Iyelah, dalam angan-angan aku ni, tetap jugak aku nak kahwin dengan seorang wanita suatu hari nanti. Sekarang pon aku sebenarnye minat kat sorang gadis ni, tapi minat jelah.

Lagi satu sebab yang mana aku mungkin taknak guna perkataan GAY sebab perkataan tu agak kasar bagi aku. Ye, aku tahu tiap-tiap orang ada pendapatnya sendiri, tapi ni lah pendapat aku. Ini lah yang aku rasa bila guna perkataan tu. Sebagai seorang PLU dalam kelambu, aku jarang cerita bab-bab ni kawan-kawan straight yang lain. Kalau dorang yang cerita sekalipun, aku akan cuba tutup mulut rapat-rapat, jadi pelakon yang hebat dan berikan reaksi macam mana lelaki straight lain akan bagi. Penat seyyhh selalu macam tu.

Aku takut sebenarnya kalau orang tahu siapa aku atau apa aku ni sebenarnya. Aku pernah ada pengalaman buruk tentang ni, sangat sangat buruk dan sangat sangat sedih. Pengalaman ni pon ada kena mengena dengan siapa aku sekarang. Korang selalu tengok cerita omputih tak, dorang selalu cakap kekonon bila trauma otak kita kadang-kadang akan lupakan memori-memori buruk. Aku tengok kat tv slalu la, tapi tak sangka benda ni terjadi kat aku sendiri. Kejadian yang berlaku tu membuatkan aku lupa banyak benda. Tapi bila masa dah berlalu, aku jumpe balik kawan-kawan lama, dorang cerita kisah-kisah zaman tok kaduk barulah aku mula nak teringat apa yang aku pernah buat. Ada yang datang kat aku cerita, tapi aku langsung tak ingat yang aku pernah buat ape yang dorang cerita.

Mungkin sebab aku takut kejadian yang sama berulang, luka lama berdarah kembali, aku jadi macam sedikit defensive pasal benda-benda macam ni. Aku tak pernah cerita kat sesapa apa yang berlaku. It was just between my friends, my family and I. See, it involved lots of people. Manalah aku tak takut kan, haha. Kitorang pon dah tak sebut apa yang berlaku. Semua berpura-pura macam nothing happened, the biggest lie one could ever commit.

Anyhow, itulah serba sedikit pasal aku yang sebenar-benarnya. Bila tulis entry ni, tibatiba macam banyak je idea aku nak tulis lagi. 1) Tentang kawan gay asasi aku tu. 2) Tentang gadis manis yang aku macam minat tu. 3) Kejadian trauma tu. Tapi mungkin aku akan cerita, mungkin tak. Bergantunglah pada mood aku, nak menulis ni ikot mood jugak sebenarrnye.

Sini je kot aku tulis, jadi, adios amigos fella!
Assalamualaikum.

Tabiat tak sihat di musim peperiksaan!

Harini rasanya nak tulis Bahasa Melayu pulak.

Exam haritu dah habis, dah lama dah. Study lah jugak sikit-sikit, nak cover balik carry mark yang rendah-rendah tu, janji lepas sudahlah kali ni. Walaupon mula-mula ingat nak naikkan gred, tinggal mimpi jelah.

Aku nak kata aku orang famous, memang tak. Aku nak kata aku orang pandai, lagi-lagi lah tidak! Aku nak kata aku mesra ala, insyaAllah. Aku cakap macam ni sebab tiap-tiap kali musim exam, mesti ja ada orang hantar  mesej kat aku, "Confuse, jom study sama-sama". "Confuse, jom buat study group" "Confuse, aku nak g bilik kau ni nak suroh kau ajarkan."

Aduuhhhh. Serius aku cakap, aku tak pandai, kenapa korang asyik ajak aku study sama-sama ni. Jadi, aku selalu tolak pelawaan kawan-kawan aku kalau bab nak study sama-sama. Bukannya aku tak nak study dengan dorang, atau aku tak study langsung, tapi masalahnya aku ni jenis yang duduk sorang-sorang. Buat kerja sorang-sorang, study sorang-sorang, bagi aku macam tu lebih senang, baca ape pon masuk.

Nak diceritakan betapa teruknya penyakit forever alone aku ni, sebelum exam aku tak akan pergi awal ke dewan exam. Aku sama ada keluar lambat atau keluar sangat awal dan carik tempat yang terpencil. Biasanya kelas-kelas kosong atau duduk ja dalam kereta. Aku kalau boleh nak mengelak dari jumpa orang sebelum masuk dewan exam. Budak-budak Malaysia bukan tak tahu, sebelum masuk dewan mesti nak sembang apa yang dorang baca, apa yang dorang tak baca lah. Rimas ooooo aku. Lagi satu sebab, kadang-kadang bila dengar dorang sembang apa yang dorang baca, aku jadi takut sebab kaau aku tak tahu, dah sah-sah aku tak baca atau tak faham. Mula la nak menggeletar ada lagi yg tak habis baca.

Ada beberapa kali, sebab aku jenis yang tak tido malam, exam pulak pukul 9 pagi, jadi aku berjaga sampai habis exam. Biasanya lepas subuh, aku akan terus mandi, bersiap pakai baju cantik-cantik, breakfast ape yang ada dalam bilik aku then terus ke dewan exam. Matahari pun tak sempat nak suluh jalan aku dah keluar bilik ke dewan. Tapi aku tak lah pergi dewan terus, macam aku cakap, aku akan cari kelas kosong dan duduk dalam tu, study lagi mana yang tak sempat. Atau aku akan duduk dalam kereta, baca buku dalam kereta dan kadang-kadang, sampai tertidur sekali, haha.

Memang musim exam ni aku jadi sangat pelik biasanya, menglak dari jumpa orang bila time study, tak keluar bilik beriadah. Mula la jadi putih yang tak sihat, pucat, sebabnya tak kena cahaya matahari langsung. Keluar makan sekejap je, tak sempat pon nak rasa cahaya matahari kat kulit.

Itulah kehidupan aku bila masa-masa exam. Nasib baiklah exam dah habis lama. Sekarang berehat-rehat kat rumah, ternak lemak. Dalam perancangan nak cari kerja, tapi kawasan rumah aku ni, entah apa kerja yang ada. Nak jual badan tak laku, haha. Duit pulak mengalir je keluar sebab memalam selalu jugak keluar lepak mamak dengan kawan-kawan. Apa nak jadi dengan aku entahlah.

Aku rasa ni je kot nak tulis. Amboi, sekali tulis Melayu, panjang berjela. Bye, Assalamualaikum. 

Lonely

I had a conversation with my mom recently
she told me when I was just a baby
I was good, I don't cry a lot
I play by myself, I don't disturb people
like other babies do
but mom was worried
she said babies aren't supposed to be like that
abnormal, that was her exact word.

Now I know
this being alone in a room attitude of me
was in me since, maybe since birth
mom confirmed it.

Attachment is one thing I hardly get.

Going out and spending time alone
I am used to that
in fact I love being alone.

However sometimes
being alone does make me feel lonely
especially a PLU guy like me.

To speak my heart out
it is already a tough thing to do
but I do want someone to listen to my problems
thought that I wanted to say.

Yes I have this blog
it consoles me
I poured some things I couldn't say in reality
into writings.

Nevertheless,
I need a breathing human
to give feedback
to say it's okay
or anything
and have a long talk.

Though how much I like being alone
the feeling of forever alone
it won't go away just yet.

I am in awe.

I am in love

not in reality though

here are my love's pictures

enjoy.

MALAS.

Mom is not feeling well

so I have to take care of her.

I am lazy

so I will end this post here.

LOL, bubye. 

Inside story of my life.

Final examination week
and yeah
this is the time where I feel
emotionally unstable
F me.

My love life
am now 21 years old
young, am I not?
I have only been in a proper relationship once
it was short though
even the starting
started in somewhat
confusing manner, if I were to say.

With men,
relationship I mean
well, none.

Maybe I was too scared
or maybe I was in a state of confusion
nevertheless, I, myself, have no idea.

Well the feeling for men
it's always here inside of me
for women however
it sometimes trigger
so sudden that I would never have the chance
to prepare myself.

Melancholic as it is
I am never truly in love
I wonder, even it is my own life
who will I choose
between these two homosapiens
for to live my life with.

Janji dicapati, eh?

Morning peeps.

If you have been reading my old post
I had mentioned that I've been
quite active in a PLU social sites.

Oh yes,
the temptation is irresistible
you'll find muscular build men
gorgeous looking studs
all showing off their assets
competing each other
wow, I said.

I am not that kind of person
I am just a passer by
or a spectator
looking here and there
saying hi sometimes
but that was just it
you cannot just see handsome men
at least say something to them, LOL.

Anyway,
when sending messages
it's up to your luck
or that person's preferences most of the time
if they like you
they'll reply your message.

Each of us has our own agenda
for me, sometimes when I feel lonely
*if you know what I mean*
I go there looking for people to talk with
there are people who'll respond your message
sometimes people with the same level of lust as me
*wink*

Nevertheless
I never met them outside or
revealed to them my phone no
it never felt right.

I have encountered people
who were just wanting for sex
I don't feel disgusted
I just felt it was wrong
to do it randomly.

You see
my life was not that clean and pure anyway
but it is just about principles
I don't go finding mates online
and asking for a one night stand
a relationship for me
should involve feeling
not just lust.

Besides
my fun days was over long time ago
high school was the place I turned to this
and it stopped there too
well just the activity
the feeling just won't go away
oh wait, I did met someone online once
during my asasi@foundation time
but that was the only time
and I swear i would never do it again with a stranger
disgusting.

Anyhow
yeah I am not innocent
but not a total slut too
I am just curious and lustful *LOL*
and so I channeled it online
but with limits.

Sampai di sini sahaja.
Adios amigos
ma'assalamah
voila!

reminder to myself. noted.

i write it here
so i remember
what is my next all about.

i got the idea now
but i am just too damn sleepy
my head, my eyes can't take it anymore.

next post is going to be
about people i met online
people like me
people like us.

remember this myself,
write about this later
when you are all wide and awake.

can't keep my eyes open
arghh, good bye, people.

Always been, forever.

Dear readers,
by now you should know
that I have trouble sleeping at night.

When night reaches
people start to become inactive
I act the opposite.

When sun starts to show itself
people start to arise
I start to yawn.

Often, this semester
I missed several classes
all because of sleep.

Never in my life I did so
only this time
this semester.

There was one time
where I refused to sleep
traumatized or scared
of skipping another class.

Always,
the less sleep I get
my face becomes soggy
eye bags are clearer,
and my skin, urgh,
pimples emerge, pores larger.

I am writing this
while refraining myself
from falling asleep
because my class is at 8am
and it is 6.09am now.

*yawn*yawn*yawn*yawn*

Some other time maybe.

The results were out
BN had made its way again
becoming the ruling party
for another term of five years
kudos to you BN.

PR, don't give up hope yet
though Tok Guru has let go of his CM position
and rumors on Anwar's last time running for election
just stay where you are
and continue to be a good opposition
as you always be, will ya?

It is time for me to voice out
my political thoughts
since next time around
I'll be the new voter
so, PR, just hold on till that time arrive, alright.

It's #lainkalilah for now
and that lain kali, insyaAllah
will be most remembered.

May 5, 2013.

It is now or never

time for Malaysians to choose

our next government party.

I had just reached 21 few weeks ago

even if I registered myself

with the processing of the form

I will still miss my chance to vote.

Nevertheless, this time around

polling day has never been this thrill

for which I give much attention.

The day is going to end within few hours

decision will be made

*heart thumping*

whoever win, I hope only for the best!

Still, #ini kalilah.

This is nothing but a piece of, writing.

This is a midnight post.

No, I am not burning a midnight oil,
it is just I don't want to sleep,
have class in the morning and
am afraid I will not wake up in time.

Talking bout that,
this semester is indeed
the laziest semester I've ever had.

I have got two warning letters, already,
for absentees more than 3 times,
and still I skip class even after the warning letter
damn me!
I blame my sleeping habit, gosh!

Anyway,
this is a post came out of boredom,
not more or less.

Until then, see ya!

Back in action!

Hye readers
if I have them.

Anyway, I did not update my blog recently right.
The truth is, hell was with me these past few weeks.

Thing started when my phone started making problems.
It would start to close on its own, became hot etc etc etc.
Then suddenly it formatted itself!
There go all my contacts, messages, *wosh*.

Then my laptop made a problem
it suddenly could not be turned on
so I sent it to a repairman.
Paid Rm200, laptop lasted for 1 1/2 days
it went black again
up until now
I did not get my laptop yet.

I was almost a week
me without my laptop
I was not worried at first
but when I thought of unfinished assignment
I became extremely worried!

Since the laptop will turn 3 years this coming June
I asked my parents for a new one
replacing the broken laptop
and as a gift for my recently passed birthday.

They were hesitated
but who dare to say no to my cute face *puke*
so I got myself a new HP ENVY 4.

It was not that expensice
only 2K something
but as long as I can do my job
I'll be satisfied, and and and
it's lighter than my previous laptop!
That what makes me felt in love with it.

Sekian, wassalam. :P

Self thought.

These past few weeks

a lot was going on

my hands were full

unable to even feed myself

(well that's a total lie).

Few weeks ago

I was an active user

of a site for People Like Us

nonstop or not giving up hope

I kept on clicking buttons

and more click

to search for 'my one',

'my other half' 'my everything'

blablabla.

Well that was

obviously did not happen!

I started realizing how the world

or people to be exact

depend much on one's look.

Each messages I got

would ask for my picture

and left me no reply

if they find me not interesting.

Sadly

though how much I hate what they did

I did the same too

relying on looks

when choosing the other 'me'

so, I am not mad, at all.

But there's always a diamond

behind all the rocks.

Met someone who willingly to chat

simply chat, without having or hoping

something more than that

it was rather fun.

We even call each other nowadays

talk for hours

calling names

making jokes

yet names are still

unknown to both of us

it is a mutual relationship

and I am liking it.

Nevertheless, I realize

and will never forget

about the world we are living in today

perfection is something we want

but being imperfect ourselves

do we really deserve it?

Or most importantly

can we find perfection?

or does it just a dream men created

to reach somewhere they couldn't go.

Might it be true

who knows.

It is a question to ponder.

Getting bored

My blog need a new face

new header, new layout, new skin

new everything.

Especially the header

*sigh*

This is almost all

I don't need to explain my preferences no more.

Am I afraid of love?
both to be loved and to love

#1
I've been texting a boy
lemme name him, J.
Cute, mischievous, and fragile I'm afraid.

He falls in love so easy
and once even asked me
to be his lover
my answer would be a big NO.
*dush*

Recently he broke up with his
long term, long distant boyfriend
(you see where this is going for?)
He came to me, sad, worn out
asked me to take his hand
and be his next lover
firmly (might be a bit harsh) No again, from me.

#2
I ain't no saint
PR (an abbreviation of a dating website for People Like US)
got an account there
found lots of guys
all they want (well some of them actually)
nothing more than a one night fun
but I ain't no whore either
rejected them
all of them with that particular intention.

#3
One week vacation
reaching its end
*scream and faint coz assignments are not yet done*
It feels soooooooooo frigging short
*rolls on the floor crying*
Going back to my university tomorrow
*going hysterical*

#4
Went to dinner tonight
saw a hottie waiter
slim, cute and very polite
*orgasm*
unfortunately I was with my parent
but even if I don't
I don't have a confident to do anything
like flirting, or asking for numbers
just a smile from me, which I did give him
as a sign of friendliness (but was hoping more actually, LOL)

Well I guess that's it
not much to talk about
though I've actually listed 4 different stories.
:-P

Self Capture (SELCA)

Basically.... nothing.

Ehemmm... *clearing throat*

It's mid semester break!
*Scream like crazy*

Get to go home
and do nothing
except eat, sleep and watch the dumb box.

By the way,
INFINITE's Man In Love is out
they are trending on twitter now * tongue out*.

Go and check them out!
Need to pack my stuff
it's a long journey tomorrow
annyeong~

Teary eyes

Basically
I went to an orphanage
an awesome experience indeed
but there is one incident
a small yet the impact was huge.

The orphans were given a form
to fill in their bio and stuff
so they did.

While things were being sort out
came this one kid
pacing his ways to another
who was sitting right in front of me.

"Abang, aku beranak bile?"
"Entah. Birthday kau bile?"
"Tak tahu."
Then he went away.

Having heard the conversation
immediately I felt sick
my heart felt pity for them
it was like being stab thousand of times.

He came again,
"Abang aku beranak kat mane?"
"Hospital Selayang."
He left.

They are brothers
that's the only thing I know
and I wish not to know more
for I think emotional conversation
won't be able for me to handle.

From that moment onward
I took my gaze away
going below
trying to stop the tears from falling
and put a smile face.

I pity them.

The "WOW" moment

Let's not waste time talking how long it was since the last time I blogged.

I am rather odd,
last semester it was all to serene,
other than sitting in front of my table,
ate 'tapau' food,
that was all I did.

This semester,
I dived myself in
into the world of society.

One word to describe everything, "WOW".

It is wow for the fantastic-ness,
it is wow for the hectic-ness,
it is wow for the tiredness,
but it is also a wow for the awesome experience I had.

Well, that was the reasons
for me leaving this blog untouched
being alone on itself
without any updates.

I will go for now,
an orphanage is waiting
for my friends and I to arrive.

See ya. :)

Between tragedy and blessing.

I always, sometimes,

have an absurd thinking

and I blame this

on the dumb box.

Often in my head of mine

I thought of my life

fighting with cancer

with no chance of life

sparing only few months left

what life could I lead?

I rather think, now

I would be grateful

rather than of sorrow.

Why will be the question.

With me knowing how many days I am left with

would not you think I can use them to my best?

I be a good Muslim

pray the God to forgive me

ask people to forgive me

and me to forgive them

do good deeds

do what I was afraid to do

enjoys bits of my life

to my fullest.

I will die with no regrets

instead with gratefulness

for the opportunity God

have given me

to know my days

are gonna be over

soon.

To have a fatal disease is a tragedy

yet I see it as a blessing in disguise.

This is

an absurd thinking of mine.

It is easy with God.

I am a Muslim
not a devotee
but I believe in my God.

People of religion
have their obligation
to serve and please
their Gods.

Though I neglect mine
sometimes, yet those sometimes
when I did
I did it right.

It is easy
when you have God
a faith.

If I face difficulties
I turn to God
asking Him to help me
my faith are strong
so as I think
if things went well
I thanked God
but I also know
asking was not the only way out
make a move
and that was what I always do.

Or I see my past
at my wrongdoings
anything to blame myself
to see whether or not
I am deserve to such treats
usually I do
and I accepted them
not easy, but calm it was.

It was the teaching of my religion
which helps me to keep moving
and to survive and
I thank my God for that
it is easy with God.

The Closed Closet.

I sat down with my two friends
in the midst of people
in a crowded restaurant
these guys seem happy, overwhelmed.

I named them
one is M, the other is S.

M just reconciled
with his 3 months girlfriend
while S on the other hand
got a new girl
the first and let's hope the only one.

They were excitedly telling me
how they met S GF
just a while before
met her mother
so on and so forth.

Then they said
what they noticed
I looked sad
as in jealous or frustrated.

Insisting on me
telling the truth
about my status
or what was my status.

I kept silent
and forced a smile.

I was sad
and it makes me sad right even now
I want to love
be loved.

Yet I am confused, scared, timid!
Not sure of what I want,
between a pudding or a lollipop.

If it was up to me
I had spurt everything out instantly
telling them how miserable I truly am
suffering inside,
and torn bit by bit.

But I know I can't
I do not have the courage
or the trust in them
or in anyone else.

I pity myself
scared of honesty
and
for living hastily
shame on me.

Mainan Mimpi!

*Girls, don't read this. ;)

Aku selalu chat di facebook
dengan seorang kawan aku
rapat? Biasa-biasa saja.
crush? Call me maybe.

Aku ingat lagi
kali terakhir aku chat dengan dia
aku mimpi
yang melekit-lekit tu.

Baru-baru ni chat lagi dengan dia
aku mimpi lagi
bukan yang melekit-lekit
tapi dalam mimpi ada dia
sembang-sembang, ketawa-ketawa
seronok mimpi tu.

Tapi dia dah ada pasangan
baru berpasang
setia sehidup semati katanya
dan yang paling penting
aku orang pertama tahu
antara kawan-kawan aku
tak ada siap kecuali aku.

Cemburu dengan pasangannya
cemburu dengan dia
apa-apa pun aku harap dia bahagia.

Dan aku terus berjalan...

Cuti-cuti Johor.

Aiskrim perisa cempedak! Yummy!!!

Steamboat. Eat till tour stomach burst out only for RM20/person.

Nothing much here. 

A pencil case bought at Puteri Harbour.

Nasi beriyani gam. I thought it was scrumptious, but my dad thought the otherwise.

Nasi Lemak ayam was indeed mouth watering.

Chicken chop, yet delicious. 

McD, I can get it anywhere but there was a day I was craving for it. So I went and get some. :P

Mee Bandung Muar. Extremely Delicous. Be warn, you need to be patience coz you'll be entertained  before your turn comes. 

All I did was eat. I ate lots of food and bought nothing except the pencil case.

Quicky

Quick update!

It has been over a year since I started studying here in KL. I only realized tonight, I don't know the road in KL at all. Yes I admit, I didn't go out often. I spent more time inside my campus, lazing and sleeping the whole fregging time. My resolution for the coming semester, need to find KL friend and go out with him showing me ways around. I was too scared to drive around KL before, this is the time to break the wall.  

p/s: writing this while on my way back from a splendid vacation.

Ramble and mumble.

Watching House and

lately The Firm

brings me to experiences

I never had

or would have

maybe.

The writer, producer or whatever

had done a good job keeping me

attached in front of the dumb box.

In House

seeing doctors finding ways

to save a patient was interesting

but then they made the main characters

House, Chase, Taub so on and so forth

involved in their own problems

that my friends

was extremely breathtaking.

Next in The Firm

lawyers trying to save their clients

typical.

However the twist is

they got their hand

investigating a massive

killing of patients

by an insurance company.

Watching these two

made my heart pounded

like it was going to explode.

I might be amuse by small things

but these was awesome!

Daebak!!!

Confession!

These are my confessions:

1. I hate writing in English.

2. I hate writing long entries.

3. I am trying to stop watching porn.

No. 3,

This is embarrassing

I am blushing to death

good lord no one knows me.

*evil laugh* HAHAHA!!!

But I am not addicted though

bare in your mind that

coz I ain't no pervert. *with negro style*

Hmm...

It's been a while since my last post.

I am currently at my hometown
lazing, piling up my fat (?).

Nothing much to do
except sleeping after dawn
waking up at 4 pm
everyday.

My biological clock
is all tangled up
I have no idea
how to untie it.

Ouh,
I got a PR account
and I almost got busted
slipped of the tongue
my bad
but with my intelligence * puke*
I got it all covered
lalala.

Anyway that's all
I cannot wait to go back to my uni
because when I am at home
I gain weight,
and I am gaining it now
urrghh!!!

Freshy.

Remember I lost my blackberry
Not even a month of using it.

I got a replacement for it
It is not fancy
But it is more than enough for me.

At least now I can write my blog
Right through my phone.

I bought a Galaxy Note 1
Not Note 2, way to expensive for me
Student needs to act like a student.

Anyway that is it
Voila!

Obsession!

It is not that I am not busy

I still have my exams

and the hardest is yet to come.

But seems like I have been possessed

or something similar

everyday I will listen and download

songs of Girls' Generation!

I just cannot stop

they have put a charm on me!

Their new album

I Got A Boy

AWESOME!!!

Okay, got to watch their comeback show

Romantic Fantasy

till then, adios amigos!

I am becoming more of a stalker!

Even I, myself
feel disgust when I am about to write this entry.

I have been living in a hostel
since I started high school
my sexual desire was known
due to some experiences I had at the time.

Now, I am still living in my university's college@hostel.

My first semester here
my room was at the very end of the block
so the view from my room are
basketball court, my university, and even Genting Highland
it was beautiful, calm and serene.

Going on to my third semester
which is the present
my room is facing other people's room
because unfortunately
my room in the middle of the block.

I hated it, at first.

Recently
I noticed there is a guy
opposite my room
in level 2
and for the first time
I enjoy having to live in this room.

He is kind of a feast to my eyes
sometimes I waited for him at the edge of my window
blatantly acting like nothing
spying on him
whenever I can.

I feel like I am a pervert
fulfilling my imagination
using him as my source.

I am becoming more of a stalker
I even blushed when I saw him nowadays
gosh, this feeling should not be here...