Adik sayang emak

Dear emak, adik berdoa dan berharap emak baik-baik saja di sana.
Your love will always be remembered.
Your happiness will always be in my prayer.

I love you
I miss you
If you only you could come back.

Sekarang, I can't call you anymore.
Ask you buat apa, masak apa, how are the cats doing, ayah buat apa, kak long dah balik kerja belum.

I can't tell you stories anymore
Gossiping with you.

How I truly deeply miss you.

Adik sayang emak.

May Allah grant you Jannah.

Nothing happened

Update: Nothing happened. I was not able to tell Inchik S anything. The break is too damn short. I had no chance to go out alone with him. We did go out, but in a group of friends. So yeah, no heart to heart conversation.

Nevertheless, I don't know, but maybe he goes a bit softhearted now, maybe.

We went to watch Kingsman: Secret Service which is an awesome movie by the way. He didn't bring his sweater along, so I took this chance to 'raba-raba' him, hold his hand saying "Oh, it's really cold" and other shit just as excuses to touch him. He said nothing and let me did what I did.

Inside the car, we were both sitting at the back passenger sit, I rest my head on his shoulder. And even hold his arm (not hands okay). I was absolutely thrilled because he let me did that. Then there's a mosquito flying in the car, I hit it at his chest then said, "Saja je nak raba kau," then he smiled.

What the eff man?! You're confusing me! Do you like me, love me or hate me? Nasib baik tak sempat nak beritahu apa-apa. Gosh.

Recently he went to Vietnam and he got me Kopi Luwak, a cofffee made of fox's feces. Well not exactly real feces, it's actually feces made out of coffee beans which had been digest by fox. Yang nak dikhabarkan di sini, the way he gave me the coffee is do damn funny la man. Lepas kitorang tengok wayang, sambil jalan tu he passed a package of present, "Nah, hadiah", then walked away towards another car (we got there separately but went home together). Shit, malu-malu pulak, sweet ah you. 

So that's it. Aku dah mengantuk sebenarnya. Nak tulis betul-betul pun malas. Tu pasal la kalau korang baca macam shit kali ni, sorry lah. Baru sampai KL after 10 hours of driving. Me so tired liau!

An ending or a beginning

These past few days, I've been thinking.

About the feeling I have for Inchik S, the torture I am going through, I decide that this should end.

I'm going back for CNY holidays. If I ever had a chance, I promise myself I would tell him my life choices, who I really am. However, about liking him, maybe I would skip that part. At least he knows. With all the hints I gave, he surely can figure things out.

I just don't want to lead a sad pathetic life anymore. My life right now is like a still water, nothing flows. I want to create a new path, let the water runs. With the decision I make, climates of feelings, life and relationship will change. For good or for bad, I don't know. But I must be brave because this is about my life.

My decision to move forward. This might be an ending or a beginning.

Wish me luck.

Perspective

My dateline for a novel review assignment is this morning. Tapi tiba-tiba bila baca blog Abang Nu'man terus teringat conversation aku dengan dua orang kawan aku. It happened two days ago.

Aku sebenarnya banyak belajar dari prinsip-prinsip Abang Nu'man. How he handles life. Being a gay does not mean you cannot be a Muslim. I hold strong to that principle.

But I cannot deny, sometimes I am sad. How people like us have to sacrifice our love, to secretly love someone and even to  secretly feel sad for not being able to love the person we love. It's hard.

A friend I just knew two days ago, we just came back from a concert which promotes volunteerism, said that if you noticed, religion aside, everything that we have to force ourselves to do are good things. Eating healthy, exercise or study need to be forced. End results of forcing is always good. True, for me.

Maybe, if maybe, these sadness we feel will bring us good, if not now, hereafter hopefully.

Ahhh, a new perspective I could venture to soothe this aching heart. A hurting heart from suppressing feelings deep inside.