Things I am Grateful (1)

Things I am Grateful : 1) Emak

Emak merupakan anugerah yang paling terhebat yang pernah hadir di dalam hidup aku. Beliau merupakan seorang wanita besi bagi keluarga kami. Selain sentiasa bekerja untuk menampung perbelanjaan keluarga, emak begitu mahir dalam hal-hal kerja rumah dari memasak, mengemas sehingga menjahit. Yang paling menarik, beliau tidak pernah menghadiri mana-mana kelas. Semuanya hasil ‘self-taught’. It was not fancy, but it was unique; one of a kind. The kind that I love the most.

She  used to sew a pajama, baju melayu, bedsheet, and curtains. She had the existing items as examples and copy them. And I love them all. In fact, there are some things that I still use. I am forever grateful.

Apart from that, emak also taught us siblings to be independence. Since she had to work everyday, there were no one to take care of us. I was sent to a nanny only up until I was 6 years old. By 7 years old, I learned to iron my own uniforms, get ready for morning school and religious classes on the afternoon. Dad would come back in the afternoon, bought lunch (if Emak had not cook the night before), took a nap and went back to work. It was a routine (which sometimes I broke by skipping religious classes). On the weekend, Emak would do all the house chores; cleaning, washing, dusting etc. I did not offer to help of course, I was forced to. But by 7 years old, I was able to do most thing myself.

That Profound Loneliness

Last year of Ramadhan, I spent most iftars alone, in my room. After work, I would stopped at my uni’s bazaar, packed some food enough for me alone, went back home and wait for ifthar. That was mostly my everyday routine.

I am expecting this year to be the same. For example, today, the first day of Ramadhan will be me breaking fast alone. I was perfectly okay last year. But I guess the lonely is slowly creeping in. Because this year, I just don’t feel like eating alone, or even being alone.

When I was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago, I could not stop  thinking that will be my future. I drove myself to the hospital, got admitted and had nothing on me the whole time I was in the hospital with only a few close friends who come to visit. I was sad because I was lonely. And because I know that future might be real for me. I guess I just need to get use of this profound loneliness and learn to live with it.

Happy Ramadhan and happy new government!

Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.

I took the quote from Asyraf’s Instagram.  The moment I read it, I struck deep into my heart. Since Emak passed away, unfortunately I did not feel like going back to my ‘home’ anymore. It was not as exciting as before. I do not have someone who is expecting my return. Someone who would be worried of my where about. Someone who would irritate me with phone calls with question when will I be home. Those are no more.
Honestly, I do not feel loved by anyone anymore, at all. Honestly, I am so lonely.

The Last Visitor

A few hours before I was discharged, I received a text message.

"Dah keluar hospital ke belum? Nak pergi tengahari ni."
"Harini nak keluar dah."
"Alaa, sempat kot nak pergi kejap."
"Okay."

And he did came. We had lunch together at my room, talked a bit and he left back to work. It was Monday. And later that evening, I was discharged.

No more hoping

I was admitted to the hospital last Friday. Nothing that serious, just the doctor suspected I had lung infection. Had a bronchoscopy procedure done, and continuously taking medication to soothe my cough.

The first person I told about my hospitalization was Asyraf. I wanted him to be concerned of me, to come and visit me. It was noon, before the Friday prayer. He acknowledge my text. But there was no sign of him visiting me during my 4 days warded.

I thought we became close. We went out a few times, had fun in Sunway Lagoon, but I guess that was it. Nothing more.
I had hopes, and once again hope crushes me. I am stopping now. No more crushes. No more hoping for a guy to like me back.

The woman who strived for progress

She worked really hard to make sure her children get the best education, extra classes and necessary reading materials. One she told me, if it was about education, she does not mind spending on it. She knows we were not well of, we barely had enough food served on the table. Spending some extra cash was rare, it was luxury. But she would not mind too, working hard earning the extra bucks for her children. She knows opportunities one can miss without education, at all time she preached for her children to strive in their studies. I think they did good. Because of this too, I believe education changes one's perspective and opens door to many many more favourable circumstances.

She was an excellent daughter, wife and mother. She is my mom, Allahyarhamah Zaharah Mansoor. This is her 3rd year of passing. May she rest well. Love is forever, and always. I love you, Emak.

Happy international women's day!

31!

Today I woke up from my sleep drenched in sweat. I know I perspire a lot, but I can’t seem to remember the last time I sweat during my sleep.

Back then, Emak woke me up for Subuh every single day. And every day too, she will see me soaked in sweat. My room was small. Air circulation was almost none existence (I just don’t like to open the window). So it can get a bit warm after a while.

I think she always feel bad for me. We could not afford an aircond then. Instead, she got me an air cooler as an alternative. It was basically a fan where you can put water and ice cubes in it. It was supposed to help bringing down the temperature by a few degree celcius, but it did not. It was a few hundreds ringgit still. Ayah got a small bonus from his workplace, that was the money she used.

Despite it being almost useless ( I was also lazy to prepare ice cubes and change the water every now and then), I appreciate her kindness. We were not well off, only the basics, nothing fancy, but Emak & Ayah worked hard to make sure all of us got our needs.

My parents were not well educated, not from rich families. Knowing this, they know my sister and I should not go through the same. And they also a firm believer education is the way to success. I too have the same opinion.

My parents never cease to amaze me. They are the reason who I am today! May Allah will grant them happiness. Happy 31st anniversary! 

So I decided

The other day, somebody asked me my new year resolution. I came to a silence. Never before have I had a resolution. All the while, whatever comes, I will go with it.
This year, no more riding my fate. I will create one.

I thought hard. I realized I was not really contented with my life. I was not very happy. Often I linger on the past, and sure enough regretting on many things.

So I answered him, "This year is a year where I am going to be happy. I am going to work for my happiness. I am going to love who I am the way I am. No more somber solemn days ahead. I need to be happy. I am the definition of happiness!". 

For the first time ever, I have a new year resolution, to appreciate my own self and enjoy the moments.

Happiness, here we go! 😎

I hope it's not too late, but Happy New Year 2018, friends!

Short Weekend Gateway

Setelah kurang dari 2 minggu perancangan, aku bertolak ke Sungai Lembing untuk lari sebentar dari hiruk pikuk kotaraya Kuala Lumpur. Ini bukanlah percutian, tapi sekadar pintu keluar dari modenisasi bandar. Masa yang dihabiskan disana kebanyakan digunakan untuk tidur dan makan sahaja. Cukuplah 2 hari di ceruk pelosok Kuantan bermalas-malasan, untuk recharge semula tenaga kehidupan.

Menginap di Time Capsule Retreat, Sungai Lembing, Pahang.

Bergambar di pohon tua.

Antara penduduk local yang ramah.

Aku captionkan gambar ini di Instagram sebagai I don't give a fuck weekend gateway.

BBQ hasil air tangan sendiri 😁