Not your everyday train ride; Train to Busan.

This post was written right after I watched the movie, Train to Busan.

Before I start complementing how great the movie was, I have a story to tell, also regarding the movie. Some movies, after the credit, they will feature end scene which will tell viewers what actually happened after the movie ends. So, the people who watched the movie with me must have suspected because a lot of them stayed until the end of the credit. Unfortunately, there was no end credit scene. As I said before, a lot of them stayed until the end of credit for that scene, ended up sighing It was damn hilarious to hear their disappointment and see their frustrated faces. But then again, it's a sign how great the movie was that people want more! Even though it was nearly 2 a.m.

Now back to the movie again, this is not your typical Zombie apocalypse movie, not its not! It was horrifying, yes. It was thrilling, yes. It was full of action, yes. But the movie producer added one fantastic, touching element, LOVE. They included love between friends, love of couples, siblings love and of course, love of a parent towards his child. All in all, I would say this is a Zombie apocalypse masterpiece! 

This is not your train to bosan, it is a hell scary yet addictive journey kind of a train ride, the Train to Busan!

Hello.

Sometimes, I am grateful for the things I have and had. I learned so much. Hardships and happiness both taught me to be strong, independent, appreciative and sympathetic.

But sometimes too, I regret for the things that I had to go through. I question life on why could I not get the things that I wanted, or why should things turned the way it turned out to be.

At the moment, life is just okay. The busyness of work has taken me away from diving deep into unsolicited thought. That should be okay I guess. That is what I want.

I pray and I hope, this serenity last a little bit longer.

Happy Ramadhan.

But

I am strong

I know I am

But I miss you

I really really do.

We are living together

I was not thinking deep enough when I made the decision to live together. I was just excited that we could live together, apart from I was going to start working. Now, I regret my decision.

Inchik S and I have been living together for 2 weeks now. No, we're not living together as lovers, but as two souls working in this metropolitan city, trying to make a living for ourselves.

Last weekend, I was not sure why, but I decided to get drunk. I drank before, twice in my whole life. But I never get drunk. Mainly because I was always the driver for my drunk friends. So, I need to get sober. However, only a week after living together, I started to feel the burden. The love I thought has lost, the feeling I thought has gone came back gushing towards me. I requested him to be my driver that night.

I ordered a pin of beer, and six tequila shots. At my fourth shot, I was drunk enough. From there onward, I could not control everything I said. Everything on my mind, things I had hid so deep just came out like a waterfall. He now knows everything.

I told him why I like him. I told him I was jealous of his girlfriend. I told him about my worries of living together. I told him about my terrible life, about my suicidal thought. I told him about this blog. I told him how I cried because of him. Some were things I did not even write, and he knows.

But most importantly, I told him to give me time. To be loving someone for 5 years, I need more time to forget him, to get over him, to move on. I begged him. I was so drunk but I did not forget a single thing I told him.

And he being him, just listened. Only little response.

The day after that 'eventful' night, we spoke so little. I was embarrassed for everything I had mentioned on my drunken state. But I have no regret. Finally, he knows everything from this mouth of mine.

Dear God, forgive me for what I did. Give me resolution, peace and soothe me from all these pains.

That would be the last time I ever drank.

Ex

Post ini ditujukan khas untuk Sharky.

Tadi di Twitter, Sharky ada tanya berapa ex lovers yang followers dia ada. Aku pun reply, 1. Dan dia reply balik, S ke? Terus aku taknak sambung dah conversation tu kat Twitter. It's my real account and my ex's friends pun ada ramai yang follow aku.

Ceritanya begini, kebetulan ex aku yang the one and only tu pun bermula dengan S jugak. Memanglah aku gabra bila Sharky just mention S, nanti terperasan pulak ex aku, atau kawan-kawan dia yang lain. Sorry, not into you anymore. Dah lama tinggal, kan.

Aku tak anggap langsung Inchik S sebagai ex, sebab bagi aku ex adalah bila kita couple dengan seseorang tu officially. Since aku dengan dia memang tak pernah couple, cuma di-friendzone-kan sahaja, memang dia akan kekal sebagai KAWAN dan bukan ex.

Untuk pengetahuan korang, ex aku yang S juga ni actually adalah seorang wanita. HAHAHA, yes, dia seorang wanita yang mempunyai vagina, buah dada dan lain-lain ciri keperempuanan asli yang sepatutnya ada. Aku kenal dia sewaktu zaman asasi. Kitorang bermula sebagai kawan rapat. Memang rapatlah. Selalu keluar makan bersama, cerita masalah, mesej tak berhenti, mana tak dia jatuh hati kat aku.

Kenapa aku kata dia jatuh hati kat aku? Sebab dia yang confess. Siap tulis blog untuk aku. Aku tahu pun bila kawan-kawan dia mesej and call aku out of sudden.

"Zacky, cuba tengok blog S. Dia ada tulis pasal kau."

"Zacky, S suka kau lah. Pergi la slowtalk dengan dia."

Tak, aku bukan nak memperkecilkan dia atau nak membangga yang aku ni hebat ke apa. Cumanya, aku pernah beritahu kan dalam post sebelum ni, zaman 2010 ke atas adalah zaman di mana aku masih dalam "DENIAL", zaman aku masih keliru. Bila ada awek suka aku, aku jadi serba salah dan bertambah KELIRU. Bodohnya aku pergi pulak terima dia sebagai girlfriend. WTF!

Tapi hubungan kitorang tak tahan lama. Aku mula rasa bersalah, rasa tak selesa. Aku taknak menipu dia, dan paling penting aku tak nak tipu diri sendiri. Aku tak sanggup nak pura-pura suka perempuan, tekanan aku waktu tu memang di tahap 99 peratus. Selepas hanya hampir tiga bulan, aku minta putus. Menangis-nangis jugak la dia. Tapi aku cakap, lebih baik dari awal aku putuskan hubungan ni dari terus menjadi penipu. Biar luka sekarang, dan mungkin hanya sekadar calar. Jangan luka bila dah lama dan menjadi dalam. Nope!

Basically, dia seorang jelah ex aku yang official. S, seorang wanita dikala umur aku baru mencecah 19 tahun. Diwaktu mana aku masih keliru dengan hubungan yang aku suka.

Aku memang menyesal gila dekat S, sebab dia macam mangsa keadaan ketika aku tak stabil. Andai dia terbaca blog ni (aku harap tak), aku minta maaf sangat-sangat. Jujur dan ikhlas dari hati aku.

Jadi Sharky, ya, ex aku ialah S, tapi bukan Inchik S. Nasib baik kau buang 'Inchik' untuk mengelakkan orang lain tahu. Sebab tu real account aku kan. Hahaha.

Membaca gaya wawasan

Tiba-tiba teringat lagu di atas yang pernah terkenal suatu ketika dulu. Antara usaha murni kerajaan untuk memupuk amalan membaca dalam kalangan masyarakat Malaysia. Sebuah lagu yang menarik, catchy, senang diikut tapi malangnya kurang berkesan dalam memberikan makna kepada kepentingan membaca kepada kanak-kanak. Ya, kanak-kanak tidak seharusnya terus memahami kepentingan membaca hanya dengan mendengar sebuah lagu. Budaya membaca itu sepatutnya dipupuk dari kecil oleh ibu bapa atau para guru. Kanak-kanak tidak mampu menilai antara baik dan buruk. Maka sebab itulah orang dewasa seharusnya memainkan peranan penting dalam memupuk minat membaca.

Aku ni sebenarnya bukanlah minat sangat membaca. Kalau baca pun, itupun kerana terpaksa aku relakan. Buku-buku yang dibeli banyak sebenarnya, tapi yang tak habis dibaca pun banyak juga. Itulah, antara satu perkara yang aku menyesal ialah aku tak dilatih dengan budaya membaca. Biasalah, dua-dua orang tua tak belajar tinggi. Mereka memang suruh anak-anak ni belajar tinggi-tinggi, belajar pandai-pandai, tapi usaha untuk belajar tu memang 100 peratus hasil usaha kami sendiri. Walaupun begitu, aku masih beruntung sebab punya ibu bapa yang masih menitik beratkan soal kepentingan belajar (walaupun tak suruh langsung membaca, haha).

Bila dah besar, masuk universiti, kena pulak ambil kos yang memang banyak membaca, haaa terhegeh-hegeh aku nak menghabiskan beberapa buah buku dalam beberapa bulan. Tapi, pengalaman itulah yang mematangkan kita, kan? Lagi pun benda baik, insyaAllah ada hasilnya.

Tapi kalau betul aku membaca, berikut adalah antara buku-buku kegemaran aku.

My top favourite book will be Khaled Hosseini's collections. Ada tiga semuanya; The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Suns dan And The Mountains Echoed. Dua yang pertama telah berjaya dikhatamkan, tinggal yang terakhir ni je, lambat sikit. Tapi dalam gambar tak ada, dua-dua buku kawan aku pinjam.

Aku suka novel yang deep-deep ni. Novel yang menyentuh pelbagai isu sosial. Contohnya seperti child/arranged marriage, patriarchy, abusive, women's empowerement dan pelbagai lagi. Menarik kot bila dah baca novel, kemudian bangkitkan isu-isu yang disentuh di dalam novel terbabit.

Tapi, Haruki Murakami's novels are kind of difficult to understand. Deep dia level 99! Terlalu banyak simbolism, metafora dan pelbagai lagi komponen sastera. So, yeah.

Oh oh, nampak tak buku Rozlan Mohd Noor's The GODs? Buku tu serius hampir membuatkan aku percaya kepada theory conspiracy. Bertemakan di politikus Malaysia yang ber-setting-kan masa dan dan tempat di Kota Raya Kuala Lumpur pada waktu election. Aku ter-wow! Not bad la untuk seorang penulis bekas anggota polis.

Anyhow, tujuan aku buat post ni cumalah sekadar untuk berkongsi antara buku-buku kegemaran aku. Ada banyak lagi buku yang aku tak tunjuk, antaranya sebab aku tak berapa minat, tak habis baca lagi atau memang tak baca langsung. Beli pandai, baca terketar-ketar, haha.

Sampai sini saja. Salam.

The struggle is real

Hi,

So, I've just got a job offer. Well actually, rezeki kan, dapat dua jobs offer. One is at my hometown, another is at KL. Of course I have to make a choice, so aku terpaksa reject the one at my hometown since the pay is 1k lower than the other one. Haha siapa tak nak gaji banyak kan? Dah la beza sampai seribu.

Bila dah dapat kerja, maka bermulalah misi mencari rumah. Maka aku pun mula meneroka laman-laman sesawang seperti mudah.my, ibilik.com atau sekadar melayari group-group Facebook yang melampirkan kekosongan rumah/bilik sewa.

Bila misi bermula, biasa-biasa je perasaan ni. Yelah, cari bilik sewa je kan, mana nak expect apa-apa. Lagi pun dari zaman belajar aku sentiasa mendapat kemudahan asrama, pengalaman nak cari rumah sewa ni pun kosong lah kiranya.

Setelah berpuluh-puluh iklan diteliti, berjam-jam masa dihabiskan mencari bilik yang kena dengan harga dan tempat, aku pun mula menghubungi beberapa tuan rumah yang biliknya menjadi pilihan aku. Then, reality hits me!

Ada yang rumahnya kotor ya amat, ada yang rumahnya sampai 17 orang, ada yang rumahnya campur lelaki perempuan, ada yang rumahnya campur local dan foreigners, ada yang rumahnya dah okay tapi depositnya chia chia chia. Haha the struggle is real. The struggle to face the reality hits me hard. Ouch.

But I am still doing fine now. Nasib baiklah Inchik S and another friend nak cari rumah untuk stay sekali. Yeay! At least kitorang ada the effort of three people, and akan dapat familiar roommates. InsyaAllah everything will be fine! May Allah ease.

p/s: Do follow my Instagram account. Aku paling akktif kat IG sekarang, banyak makhluk kaum lelaki yang elok-elok eh rupanya. Hahaha.

Wish me luck guys and girls!

Social Media Accounts

Just so you know, I have almost all mainstream social media accounts. Do follow me okay?!

When I was 17

I came across this confession. The confessor's parents hate his life choice and his sexuality. They want him to change. They will disown him.

To be frank, I had almost a similar experience when I was 17. I will spare the details on how my parents came to know about what I have been 'doing'. When they found out, both were so devastated. My mom cried every night for a few nights. She lost her appetite as well. I got worried sick for she became like that because of me. And my dad, he did not say much.

I was also crying. Locked myself in my room and refuse to meet anyone. I was young and ignorant back then.

After the incident, mom came to my room. She made me promised to not repeat anything I have done. With such a heavy heart, I did. After all the commotion, mom kept a close eye on me. She sometimes subtly warned me not to get involve in immoral behaviors. However, the saddest and depressing words she ever uttered was she would disown me if she knew I broke my promise.

From that day onward, I lived with cautious. I tried to deny my sexuality. I tried to get closer to God. I tried everything I could to 'change' myself. But I failed!

If you guys noticed, I was quite depressed back then. My posts were all dark and sad. I was in a state of denial, and depression.

However I was lucky, through the effort I did, although I did not 'change', I learned something more precious than that. To accept myself the way I am. Why should I change myself when this is how God has created me. For God hate the sin but not the sinner. I was becoming happy.

Yes, whenever I was home or with my parents, I was always cautious. Not to let them know how I really live. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, but I don't care. The reason is because I love them. I respect them. They have sacrificed their life to raise me, so why can't I show them my respect. If I blatantly go against their wish and will, I will become a rude and a sinful child. No, I do not want that. Hence, I rather pretend.

My parents, they are old. At that time, I didn't know how much longer will thy live. Until that day arrive, I will do my best to love and respect them. That's why, deep in my heart, when my mom passed away, I was happy she could see only the good side of me. I hoped I had done my best to her. I still pray for her, everyday. For my parents are my most precious things I have ever have.

So, you can call me hypocrite all you want.

Know my place

"Ha, boleh buat menantu kot. Bagus Zacky ni." 

"Itu la, kalau ada anak perempuan sorang lagi memang dah buat menantu pun."

Yesterday was a kenduri for Inchik S's sister. As a good friend, I offered to help with anything. Biasalah kenduri, mostly some labor stuff; susun kerusi meja, angkat goodie bags and so on. Oh, I also baked a brownie for his whole family, not for him ONLY mind you. Since that's the only thing I can give, yeah why not.

While we were resting at his living with all of his other relatives, Inchik S's mom flattered my baking skill, hehe. Out of nowhere, the above dialogue occurred between his mom and him.

Frankly, I was very confused, my reaction was only a silly, clueless smile. It was so easy of him to say those words, even in front of me. He knows I liked him, he should know I like guys. Why did he ever have to say that? Or, does he think I only like him, and not guys? Nevertheless, I was in denial, I could not believe he said that in front of him. A part of me felt really really sad. Then it snapped, I still have feelings for him, even just a little.

I was so devastated, I am merely a good friend for him and will always be. I should know my place now and forever.

Awkwardly hot debate

Today marks the final day and final paper at this university. In a few hours, I will be officially graduated from this garden of knowledge, virtues and hypocrisy. My last paper is about English in workplace. How to write business letters, memo, proposals, negotiation and stuff. Not that hard, but it's just handful to handle.

While taking a break after a few hours of revising the subject, I nonchalantly asked a friend of mine, "How did you become straight?". I did not have any bad presumption or anything, just a question came from this absent minded brain of mine.

At that time, there were three of us. Two are gays while the one I asked the question is straight as a ruler, a pembaris besi in fact.

As I said, I was not attacking or condescending anyone, just trying to initiate a conversation. Somehow, things turned ugly. My friends, both of them get worked up over this question. They debated like hell, going back and forth from religious teaching, environment and other stuffs as the catalyst and influence.

The 'debate' went on for more than an hour. From revising a subject, it turned into a hot opinionated debate. I felt terrible. I tried to stop them, but both were too engrossed to stop.

During the awkward 1 hour plus 'debate', I did not interrupt. That's my strong point, I am a good listener. What made me a bit dissapointed was my straight friend's statement, he said that he tried to exclude us (the gays) at one point. He believe we could change if we want to. He blame the environment, our religious practice and us for not trying hard to change. As if we could change.

Hearing him said that made we want to cry. This is the true face of someone I call friend. He despises us, me. I don't blame him, but the judgement he made, I just feel demotivated. To be stabbed right in front, slowly and secretly. It hurts.

And I left. No more of this can I handle. This is just the perfect graduation gift I could ever get. I forgive him, but I can never think of him as highly as before. No more.

Question and Answer (Q&A)

Assalamualaikum, maaf lambat nak buat post baru ni. Seperti yang dijanjikan, enjoy!

Awak ni gay ke?

Ye dik, abang gay dik. Adakah post-post blog abang ni terlalu hambar sampai orang tak tahu yang ni blog gay? Haha

Pernah couple ke? Kalau ye, dengan lelaki atau perempuan?

Virgin lagi bab-bab couple ni dik non oi! Haha couple jelah yang virgin.

Bagi yang tak tahu, aku pernah ada crush selama 5 tahun. Tapi, lepas confess, aku jarakkan diri dengan putuskan segala communication, sekarang kawan biasa balik dan alhamdulillah aku rasa aku dah move on. Rasa la.

Berapa umur Zacky?

24 (2016). Dah tua woi! *menangis*

Belajar lagi ke dah kerja?

Belajar lagi. Tapi minggu depan habis la belajar untuk seketika. Ada plan nak sambung master, tapi tak tahu lagi bila. Nak kumpul duit, bina kerjaya, pengalaman kerja dan kemudian baru sambung Master, insyaAllah.

Belajar kat mana tu awak?

Institusi Pengajian Tinggi Awam (IPTA) yang bertempat di Gombak. Nak tahu uni apa, pandai-pandailah cari sendiri eh. 

Apa perkara yang paling kau hargai dalam hidup kau?

Manusia cuma tahu menghargai bila kita dah kehilangan. Perkara yang aku paling paling paling hargai adalah pinjaman Allah kepada aku, Emak aku. Cliche tak?

Aku bersyukur untuk semua yang emak aku sediakan untuk aku. Kasih sayang yang beliau bagi. Makan minum yang beliau sediakan. Paling penting, pengorbanan beliau untuk anak-anak beliau.

Apa perkara yang paling kau menyesal?

Sebelum aku kehilangan emak, sumpah memang aku bukan antara orang yang bersyukur. Aku menyesal sebab aku tak tunjukkan sayangnya aku kepada emak dalam bentuk fizikal. Ertinya, aku tak cakap, "I Lap You, Emak" atau buat suprise event ke. Aku menyesal sebab aku tak dapat nak tunaikan semua janji-janji aku untuk bahagiakan emak. Nak hadiah beliau segulung ijazah, nak bawak beliau pergi melancong dan lain-lain. Ya Allah, banyaknya yang aku berjanji pada diri sendiri tapi tak mampu aku tunaikan. Terkilan yang teramat sangat.

Apa perkara yang paling kau syukuri?

Sebelum emak pergi selamanya, alhamdulillah kami sekeluarga dapat jaga emak waktu beliau sakit. Dapat bawa emak pergi pusing Cameron Highland walaupun beliau memang dah tak larat jalan. Gembira sangat bila emak cakap terima kasih, emak cakap emak seronok walaupun sekadar satu hari perjalanan. Gembira sebab sepanjang perjalanan, emak langsung tak tunjukkan yang dia sakit.

Dan dua hari sebelum emak meninggal, sebelum aku pulang ke Kota Kuala Lumpur, alhamdulillah aku dan emak saling  bermaafan. Aku bersyukur untuk semua yang terjadi tapi Ya Allah, itulah perkara yang aku paling bersyukur seumur hidup aku.

Apa perkara yang paling kau rasa tuhan sayangkan kau?

Aku dikurniakan kekuatan. Betul kata Tuhan, Dia tak akan menguji hambanya melebihi dari apa yang mereka mampu Alhamdulillah, walaupun aku ni senang nak menangis, tapi semangat aku tu bukan senang untuk dipatahkan. Agi idup agi ngelaban! 

Aku rasa tak terlambat lagi untuk aku mengucapkan 

SELAMAT TAHUN BARU 2016!