Tough Times Never Last, Tough People Do

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it!

It is almost the end of 2019. Too many things had happened and I would like to share them here so I can remember them.

February 24th, 2019
I have been working with the same multinational company ever since I graduated. On this historical day in my life, my first time ever, the company announced its closure of the KL site office as they are bringing the operation to India. Reason given was to easily manage operation as they have most of their engineers and specialist there. Reason I believe was Malaysia has become too expensive for the company to continue their operation. With the wage of 1 person here, they can hire probably 2.5 person in India. Yup, I was paid quite high and quite good compared to the rest of my peers at that time.

On the day of the announcement, some of my colleagues cried, some went to get drunk. Me? I was a tiny bit sad and worried. But overall I was doing fine.

April 2nd, 2019
This was my last day at the company. Some hugs and kisses, and that's about it. Alhamdulillah, by this time, I had already went for several interviews and was offered a job, and I took it.

May 6th, 2019
I started my new job. Like any other beginning, it was always very nervous. But I just had to muster up the courage and do a damn good job if I want to stay long there. Of course I had a massive cut on my paycheck, RM1000 (cried blood). Rather than having no work, I still took it. Your man got bills to pay.

July - August 2019
I decided to stop being miserable and started looking for solution. So I went to see a counselor. She helped with my emotions, to come to terms and stuff. After several session, I am getting better at controlling my emotion. I am more stable and started looking at life differently.

Seeing her was the best decision I have made in 2019 despite the horrendous challenges I had the entire year.

The rest of the year was me struggling with lifestyle of a previous paycheck on this lesser paycheck. Barely surviving, struggling, but I insyaAllah I will be fine.

All in all, it was a tough year. Tough times never last, but tough people do. InsyaAllah.

Hoping that 2020 will be a better year for me (despite being no flying car yet).

**Also hoping my blogger friends dari zaman 2011 dulu semua sihat-sihat belaka**

Selesa

Sejak beberapa hari yang lepas, mungkin minggu, aku sering menerima e-mail dari penyedia domain untuk blog ini. Kandungannya mengingatkan tarikh luput domain tersebut, dan aku haruslah membeli dan membayar sejumlah wang yang besar bagi menyambung kelansungan service yang Merdeka sediakan. Ahhh, jumlah wang di dompet seperti tidak mengizinkan aku untuk terus menggunakan do man theconfuseboy.com. Lantas aku menukar kembali kepada theconfuseboy.blogspot.com. Yang pasti, aku hanya mahu blog ini terus hidup. Kerana semua yang intim, yang indah dan yang duka aku titip di dalam blog picisan ini. Nak kejar pembaca, memang tidaklah, berapa kerat sahaja. Tapi sungguh kerana memori.

Alhamdulillah, aku sekarang lebih selesa dengan diri sendiri. Tidak belum aku bahagia, tapi selesa. Dengan seksualiti, dengan kumpulan rakan-rakan, dengan pekerjaan Dan keseluruhan hidup aku. Aku bersyukur bahawa diberikan Nikmat untuk berasa selesa. Sungguh terdapat ramai lagi manusia didunia ini yang masih belum menerima diri Merdeka seadanya. Aku faham, aku simpati, dan aku bersyukur dengan keselesaan aku.

Semoga kita semua akan selesa di dalam kulit sendiri. InsyaAllah.

Reflective Journal: Trust Issue

This is a reflective journal. Today I would like to write about trust issue. An issue that affected since few years back. When I went to see my counselor today, I told my counselor about what happened in 2008, when few of my friends told my mother about how I was engaging into sex with my peers. Although that broke me into pieces, I wouldn’t say that it was the cause of my trust issue.

I was actually, I believe caused by how my relationship with Athir just gone intothe thin air for no reason. That is what I am sure of. Athir and I were good friends. We were always together during our foundation days. From roommates to classmates, it was definitely a great comfort to have someone by your side all the time. And even more when our friendship was acknowledge by our circle of friends. Words such as husband-wife, couples were always uttered by others. It was not like there were anything going on between us, nothing. I was just very comfortable with him. We were just good friends, or that was what I thought. Frankly, I was actually quite please for people to be saying those words. It was like a compliment to me, that I was able to show my love for my friends and people could see that.

Until a few months before our final semester ended, Athir suddenly changed. He didn’t come back to the room to sleep. He started hanging out with other friends without me around. Our endless jokes and conversations went to a short hi-bye moment. 
I blamed myself for a moment. I have a potty mouth, and can say mean things once in a while. And sometimes too, I can go overboard. I guess he didn’t like it.

Our friendship went sour. I confronted him for answers, but to no avail. It was only, “Entahlah, Zakwan”, when I asked him the reason for his distancing himself.
After foundation ended, and degree started, I had a resolution. I would not trust people too much. I would not want to get too close to people. I embedded those words into my head. And that what happened for a two semesters, a one whole year. Apart from being depressed due to my sexuality, I was also sad and lonely for not having close friends that I can share things with. At least not until when I met some best friends that I have until now. 

Nevertheless, I guess those words actually went too deep into my head that I now have difficult time to trust people. Especially when I see how people can be double faced, it just scares me. 

But I know I need to change, and move on. I am not sure how, but I will try. I will start with getting to now people, probably from my social gathering and strike a conversation with someone. I am sure a normal conversation won’t hurt. Simple, on the surface conversation should suffice, to combat my loneliness and to create a connection with another human. Of course, people can act differently, behave differently, and have different opinions on things, but that should not be my ultimate concerns especially when making friends. 

It is going to be a difficult journey, but it can be achieved. Gambatte!

Hello, 2019.

Salam pembuka bicara. It has been few months, or should I say a year, since I last posted an entry here. My life has been too normal, hence the reason I have not been writing. I read somewhere, good writing comes when a person is either too jovial or sad. Being in between (read: boring) doesn’t provide you any good stuffs to pen down.

Nothing much happened in my life, except last year (September 5th, 2018) my dad remarried. Last Tuesday, April 2nd, 2019 was my last day with my first company that I worked right after graduation. It was due to retrenchment, but everything is okay. I immediately got a job and will be starting on May 6th. So, I can still survive yo!
Anyway, I just need to keep the blog alive, hence this gibberish post. I need to berak, Ta¬ta¬.