This is a reflective journal. Today I would like to write about trust issue. An issue that affected since few years back. When I went to see my counselor today, I told my counselor about what happened in 2008, when few of my friends told my mother about how I was engaging into sex with my peers. Although that broke me into pieces, I wouldn’t say that it was the cause of my trust issue.
I was actually, I believe caused by how my relationship with Athir just gone intothe thin air for no reason. That is what I am sure of. Athir and I were good friends. We were always together during our foundation days. From roommates to classmates, it was definitely a great comfort to have someone by your side all the time. And even more when our friendship was acknowledge by our circle of friends. Words such as husband-wife, couples were always uttered by others. It was not like there were anything going on between us, nothing. I was just very comfortable with him. We were just good friends, or that was what I thought. Frankly, I was actually quite please for people to be saying those words. It was like a compliment to me, that I was able to show my love for my friends and people could see that.
Until a few months before our final semester ended, Athir suddenly changed. He didn’t come back to the room to sleep. He started hanging out with other friends without me around. Our endless jokes and conversations went to a short hi-bye moment.
I blamed myself for a moment. I have a potty mouth, and can say mean things once in a while. And sometimes too, I can go overboard. I guess he didn’t like it.
Our friendship went sour. I confronted him for answers, but to no avail. It was only, “Entahlah, Zakwan”, when I asked him the reason for his distancing himself.
After foundation ended, and degree started, I had a resolution. I would not trust people too much. I would not want to get too close to people. I embedded those words into my head. And that what happened for a two semesters, a one whole year. Apart from being depressed due to my sexuality, I was also sad and lonely for not having close friends that I can share things with. At least not until when I met some best friends that I have until now.
Nevertheless, I guess those words actually went too deep into my head that I now have difficult time to trust people. Especially when I see how people can be double faced, it just scares me.
But I know I need to change, and move on. I am not sure how, but I will try. I will start with getting to now people, probably from my social gathering and strike a conversation with someone. I am sure a normal conversation won’t hurt. Simple, on the surface conversation should suffice, to combat my loneliness and to create a connection with another human. Of course, people can act differently, behave differently, and have different opinions on things, but that should not be my ultimate concerns especially when making friends.
It is going to be a difficult journey, but it can be achieved. Gambatte!
