I hate myself
for loving people
of my own kind.
I hate myself
when I feel the love
for the people I cannot
guilty surrounds.
I hate myself
when I try to love
the people I cannot
scared I feel.
I just fucking hate myself
Dear lord
I once prayed to you
take my life
when you still love me
I pray once again
end my suffering
in this fucking world.
For I will
meet you someday
why cannot I
meet you today?
I do not have
the courage to live
or the preparation to die
but if I have to choose
you know which of which.
Dear God,
hear my pray
heal me
or kill me.
Amin.
*I know this sounds crazy, but I am yet to be one. Just bit and pieces of what I feel.
Read this all over again. Felt like it was close to my heart as if it came from my own thought. Then I realized that was just a deja vu. The kind of feeling that I have. Towards my life. Be strong. I used to get mad at our Creator for not granted me with an option to be a whole different person that I am. But someone remind me how lucky we were to be tested as such. But always asked myself. How long would I sustain being myself. Still standing strong. But how long? Doa and prayers doesn't change all this. So what's left for us? Only positivity in life keeps me going. And the song playing on your page doesn't help either. Too sad that it penetrate my emotional box, so deep that keeps me thinking now.. Who's the Singer? :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there Beautiful Soul Confuse Boy. You're not alone.
First of all, thank you for your long yet sincere comment. I'll try to find the positive side of my life, though I know, it cannot brush away the fact that I am what I am. But I will try, for that is what I live for, trying for better.
DeleteAnd the singer for the song is NOEL, things i couldn't say. It's a new song and I know it's sad song. I just like them, sad, ballad and such kinds. =)
One more thing, do not blame God. I trust Him though His test was hard.