Memories

Sunday, 22nd February, two days before Emak passed away, the memory still vividly remains in me.

Ayah had just bathed Emak. Kaklong put Emak into her clothes and put her back on her wheelchair. I pushed her to the front of the house's door. Emak didn't want me to fully open the door, only half of it. I obey. While she was on the chair, I combed her. I remember resting her head on my stomach, I was combing her while standing. She has lost all her strength. Even her own head, she could not tilt it straight.

I combed her, gently.

Dad came, "Dulu arwah Pak Andak macam ni la. Sebelum dia meninggal, dia pun tak larat nak tahan kepala sendiri." Dad was the one who took the responsibility of taking care of his late younger brother who died from a liver failure. Hearing his comments, I said nothing. I didn't want to hear those words, I never believe mom could not be cured. I have faith.

Only two days after that, Emak passed away. And I still linger with her pictures and memories.

I miss Emak. She never was a burden to us, even when she was sick. I swear.

Thank you Emak for the 23 years of my life which you had given me through your sacrifices. I will cherish our memories and your love, forever. The love shall never halt, even if my time stops.

..23..

Happy Birthday to me.

I didn't celebrate. I just feel like not to.

However, I must be honest, semalam when my friends and I went for dinner, tiba-tiba semua macam nak pergi clubbing. So, we did. Haha.

We set our way to Market Place but sadly the place was not operating as a club last night, it was just a fancy boring bar. By the way, I've only been clubbing once, okay. Since we have no other options, kitorang pergi la Blue Boy. It was my first time. The place is lousy, dirty, at a back of an alley, banyak tikus and lipas. Dan yang paling penting, banyak gila pondan. Ada pulak drag show last night, lagi lah. I was just uncomfortable, it's not because I don't like pondan yer, it's because of the condition of the place. Nothing fancy, all in all, it looks cheap. Sangat-sangat berbeza dengan Market Place.

I swear I will not go there anymore. Kot, hahaha.

Mind you eh, aku tak minum alcoholic drinks. Aku went for the ambiance and music, hence, dancing. Yeah, one good thing about Blue Boy is that the songs are okay lah.

Lepas habis clubbing, kitorang g Q-Bistro or something in Cheras. My friend said it's a place where gays go to eat. Sebab tu lah  aku nak pergi. I just want to explore things last night.

Arrived there and realised the customers were the same faces we met dekat Blue Boy, LOL.

Lepas tu pergi pula Taman Tasik Permaisuri since dah dekat and I really wanted to see the infamous 'gay tasik'. I saw pondan-pondan cari customers and then brave guys looking for casual sex. Kitorang just parked our car, tak keluar pun. Then ada this one pak cik datang tepi kereta kitorang and tunggu, signing us yang dia nak action. Gosh, scary. We just want to see, keluar kereta pun tak kot. So, we ignored him.

Then lepas pak cik tu blah, ada another car parked beside us. Mamat tu bajet-bajet hisap rokok, padahal cari batang. Haha.

That was it. My first experiences of a lot of things. The night was interesting la nevertheless. It was a revelation. I won't be doing the things those guys did, it's just I need to know how and why they did it.

Hold our judgement if we know nothing. In fact, keep the judging to ourself only.

Anyway, Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

Aku selalu sekadar berangan-angan.

"Nanti dah kerja nak beli rumah. Bagi mak ayah duduk rumah besar sikit."
"Nanti kerja nak beli kereta mahal. Bagi mak ayah merasa naik kereta mewah."
"Nanti  ada duit nak beli jubah untuk mak pakai, mesti lawa."
"Nanti nak beli bag kulit tu dekat ayah. Selalu cakap nak, tapi tak ada duit nak beli."

Angan-angan yang besar. Nak itu dan ini. Semuanya 'nanti'.

Dan 'nanti' itu sudah terlepas, terlambat.

Sekarang, sekadar apa yang aku mampu, aku akan terus buat. Aku tak nak lagi berlengah. You never know when will be the last you'll see your parents, your family members. I learnt my lesson. I appreciate what I have right now.

"Duit tu boleh cari, kebahagiaan tak."

p/s: Nak belikan ayah handphone baru secara online tapi pembayaran secara FPX tak termasuk Bank Islam punya internet banking. Pissed off gila tadi. Haih, terpaksa beli phone lain.

Rest in peace, Siti. I love you.

6/4/2015.

Happy Birthday, Inchik S!

There will always be a place for you in my heart.

I miss Emak.

Nothing in the world could replace her and her love towards me.

May Allah bless your soul,

24/2/2015.

Reasoning and faith in God

God has reminded us in His book, "Have you not ponder...", "Have you not forgotten...", "Don't you think of..." and more.

These words of Allah, He wants us to think, think for ourselves, use our aqal and reason.

In yesterday's class, my lecturer taught us about a poet, Marmaduke Pickthall, which reverted to Islam and even translated the Qur'an. His writing was thoughtful and intriguing. Among the points I agree the most during the lecture was about the use of free thought/reasoning and faith in God, they are compatible.

The society argues that we most follow the Qur'an, Sunnah and Ulama'. Yes, I agree with that. But the thing I disagree is that they want us to blindly follow without a room to discuss other possibilities of solutions we might come out with.

Qur'an is very general, so Sunnah is there to explain it. However, as time passes, a lot of new things happen, changes occur. Hence, there are things that we need to think of our own solution but still based on these two sources of knowledge. I agree with that. And Ulama' are the one responsible to think of Islamic solutions to un-Islamic things.

Now, are not Ulama' humans? Their decision, are not they based on reasoning and faith in God to come out with fatwas?

Understand me, I'm not against Ulama', I'm just against people who want us to follow Ulama' blindly without giving a chance for us to reason ourselves. Yes, we might not be as knowledgeable as the Ulama', but in the end, who's going to put us through hell and heaven? Ulama' is it? NO!

"Wei, mana  boleh kau buat macam ni! Ustaz XXX dah cakap yang ni salah. Kita kena ikut  ustaz ni cakap!"

Everybody has different situations, one rule cannot be applied to everyone. We always say that Islam is a religion of peace, Islam does not burden its followers, then why are you burdening Muslims with your man-made rules?

No, I'm not against Ulama'. Again, I'm against people who force others to practice blind imitation.

Reasoning and faith in God is compatible, they blend.