I have always wanted to die because of cancer. Today, when I asked myself why, initially I couldn't give a proper answer to myself. Then I realize, I just want attention. Even if it is in the form of sympathy.
Ever since I was a child, I always feel like I was not given enough attention. Whenever I finished drawing something, it was me that had to show it off to my parents. Hoping that I will get some compliments from them. In class, I felt like I had done as good as other people, but I was never recognized for it. In fact, I was once belittle by a teacher about it, that getting first place is not everything. With my friends, I used to feel left out from gatherings, and I felt really bad about it. My friends would talk about the time they spent together, while I was only there to listen. Or I was only invited to birthday parties so they could share presents, and have more people to celebrate with. I was never celebrated (except by a few people in my adulthood and I am truly grateful for that).
As I grow older, I am used to it. I choose solitary mainly because I do not like to be hurt again. After all these years, I still earn for attention. I am still looking for someone to love me, so I can fully love them back.
Maybe I am broken. Nobody knows. that it will this hard.
