The pressure

Jadi lelaki, nak pula umur semakin meningkat tua, orang mesti tanya soalan-soalan wajib.
"Tak ada calon ke?" "Kamu bila nak bernikah?"

Sekarang, I just don't have the thought of getting married. Parents belum mula tanya lagi. Ada la saudara mara yang mulut kurang insurans, kurang manisnya gatal-gatal mulut tanya. Biasalah, manusia ni kalau tak menyibuk memang tak sah.

Aku ada bincang dengan sorang kawan PLU. Dia cakap dia cemburu bila tengok kawan-kawan lain kahwin. Scroll instagram, gambar kahwin. Buka timeline Facebook, gambar kahwin. Dia nak kahwin katanya. Aku tanya kenapa. "Sebab aku kesian dekat emak aku. Kau tak kesian ke?"

Aku tergamam sekejap.

"Siapa tak kesian. Tapi getting married is something serious. For my case, I'm not going to sacrifice my life pretending I'm happy. What more, when you're married, you'll be attached to another person for your whole life. Aku tak nak rosakkan hidup orang lain pula."

Aku tahu ibu penting, Aku pun nak bagi zuriat untuk family aku, ibu aku. Tapi, itu lah...

Kadangkala tekanan dari orang sekeliling membuatkan kita melakukan perkara yang kita tak rela. This however is my current thought. Humans change. I can change my opinion as well. Let's see what future brings to me.

What is your dominant brain?

Kadang-kadang aku tertanya dengan kehidupan aku sekarang.

Apa aku buat ni?

Apasal aku ambil kos ni? Bukan minat sangat pun.

Nanti nak kerja apa?

Nanti nak sambung master takkan berkenaan kos ni lagi? Aku tak nak, susah.

(kesan belajar introduction to Psychology and Psycholinguistics. Both has topic on brain functions)

Malam ni, terfikir pula.

Ada tak orang ambil second degree?

Tak lambat sangat ke nak ambil degree kedua nanti?

Kalau dah kerja time tu, degree tu untuk apa? Sebab minat saja?

Nak belajar kerana ilmu ke kerana degree ni? (soalan terbakar diri sendiri)

THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF TERBAIK DARI LANGIT

I gave a standing ovation right after the movie ended.

The movie started with adolescence age of the main characters; Berg, Ijam, Toyu and Ali. It was confusing, not really interesting, funny but at the same time heavy with the 'WH' questions.

Mind you, I don't have the exact memories of the story line, words and more. One time only tengok, mana cukup sia. (Insert your dialectical knowledge here)

First impression was on things that were visible, the characters. They are diverse in look, normal typical Malaysians. No one looks extra good-looking (not saying Iedil Putra is not hot though) or perfect. All of them had some flaws in their characters, which are good. "Yeah, I can relate to this", I said to myself (tiba-tiba cakap sorang-sorang).

I laughed a lot at the beginning of the movie. The jokes and sarcasm, it fits into my young urban mind (konon!). However, as the plot continued, questions that first came to my mind started to unravel. For instance, I wonder what really made Ijam hated Ali so much like he was his sworn enemy? Or what did Berg kept injecting himself with? Or what happened to Ali during and after their school years? Because every time there's a flashback of their teenage years, Ali was absent, most of the time. And why does Toyu is the one who seems to be normal?

Ouh, and a question I asked Redza Minhat on twitter, where did Sofia Jane come from? She has very little introduction, background information or conflicts on her character. I wonder whether her character was created solely to reveal Berg's illness and to become 'water' when there's 'fire'? I'm not sure myself.

As the movie still playing on the screen, the messages hit me. It's not just about restoring their friendship or  recording a film. It's about more of a process of liberating oneself from things that have been keeping them tied up.  It's about one journey to find his true self. It's about freedom.Staying true, gitu. Message received!

Ouh ouh ouh, aku suka part bila shooting had to be canceled sebab it rained. Then Sofia Jane decided to go out and get wet beibeh! It was refreshing. Adults playing in the rain, dancing and just letting themselves go. I even whispered to my friend, "Seronoknya tengok diorang main hujan. Lama tak buat macam ni kan?" See how it affected audience? See how berkesan the scene was? Yeah, you got me.

I won't be touching on cinematography techniques, soundtracks, effects etc.because I'm noob at that. As long as those previously mentioned are good to my sensors and tak kacau jalan cerita and truthfulness of the plot, then okay lah for you.

Frankly, the ending was quite unclear for me. I guess the UFO is just a symbol of Berg's death since scene lepas tu dia dah tak ada. From the movie, kena tangkap UFO but I choose to believe he succumbed to his illness. I have right to my interpretation right? Hahaha.

THIS IS A RECOMMENDED MOVIE FOR EVERYONE. Boleh jatuh hukum wajib kalau aku ni orang ISMA sebab movie ni orang Melayu yang punya, eh? (Tak nak politik-politik sini)

Anyhow, you won't regret your money and time lah wa cakap sama lu sebab ini movie memang terbaik dari langit.

Short update (24/12/2014)

Degree students are preparing for war! Final Exam!

While doing that, I'm also recovering from fever, cold and cough. All three at once. And all I did was sleeping, eating and continue sleeping. Yeah, lame. Apa-apa saja.

Wish me luck.

p/s: my carry marks seem okay this time. Dah ada subject yang lulus dah. Sekarang cuma perlu strive for higher grade.

When I was with you...

First, Selamat Pengantin Baru to my friend, Ibnu Kaula. Alhamdulillah, selamat diijab kabulkan. Maaf tak dapat pergi, tak terurus masa sandiri. InsyaAllah, kalau berkesempatan akan pergi kenduri yang sebelah lelaki.

Second, for my friend who have been reading my blog only when you're with me, stop it. Malu okay. You got my permission to read this 'cikai' blog, but never in front of me. Do it in your room, alone. LOL.

Now, on Saturday 6th, I had a very hectic schedule. My club organised a running event, so we had to stay up the night before for preparation and stuff since the running starts at 7 a.m. (was delayed since it rained). I had to deal with police force for security purposes and the experience was not a pleasant one. I don't hate police officers generally, but I hate the person I had to deal with. So effing annoying, arrogant and condescending. Now, now, I want to let the memories fade away quickly.

Nevertheless, the event was awesome. It was our first time organizing such a big scale event involving many people. I could say it was successful, alhamdulillah.

The best part is, Inchik S came to KL that day! He took a bus and arrived at wee hour, so I had to pick him up at Pudu Central. I would do anything for him. Besides, like I said before, the whole crew and I were not able to sleep since we had to do some preparation. Picked him up and left him in my room for him to get some sleep and continue with my event.

Because I can't contained my 'gedik' feeling (haven't me him for a quite a few weeks), I ran back to my room as soon as the last finisher completed his run. I did not even wait until the prize giving ceremony. All because I wanted to meet my beloved Inchik S, gitew.

The reason he came because he wanted to buy something in KL. So I took him to The Curve as he requested. It turned out he bought a North Face bag, just a bag for RM495. Membazir betul.

Still, I was happy he was here. Since he was already here, we went to Dip n Dip and shared a Brownie Crepe. So romantic. I constantly put my hand on his shoulder, rest my head on his shoulder, walk while our hands grazed one another. Tergugat nafsu kot. I really do miss him, a lot. Being able to see him, and touch him made me feel so much gratitude. I don't care even if it is public or not, I just miss him.

We took selfies like a lot and he seemed okay with that. We even poses in some pictures. And I uploaded a picture to Instagram with a caption, "Dip n Dip with (emoticon with love eyes)." He said nothing! Hahahahaha.

I even waited with him for his bus back to Penang. Yes, he came for a one day trip since he had things to do the day after that. A bit disappointing but glad to hear he's happy and would love to do this spontaneous trip again. I smiled and am smiling.

Inchik S, you just make my crush on you goes to another level.

Dip n Dip with Inchik S.

At IKEA, I'm cheaper than him.

Boy interrupted

We do not own our own life.

Our life is for our parents,

our siblings,

our friends,

our wife and husband,

the people who love us,

the people who care about us,

our God.

What we do,

when we do, harm,

whom our life affected,

are not our ours

only.

My First TimeS

So, I was tagged by F.I. 
Sebelum ni dah baca tapi tak perasan pulak yang kena tag. Hehe, sorry lambat post. Post kali ini aku rasa banyak akan mendedahkan personal stuff aku yang memang aku jarang cerita kt orang, especially friends. But since you guys are my readers, and you don't even know me in real life, so it's not a problem lah kot. Here it goes.

First time: First kiss
My first kiss was at the age of 13. A fresh, young and innocent lad was forced to a kiss by his friend. Staying in a dorm at a boarding school, I was sleeping when this friend came to me. Unknowingly, 'things' happened.

First time: First car
Even now, I'm still using my first car. A student like couldn't afford to buy my own, so I asked my parents to buy it for me. I wanted a motorcycle initially, but living in KL made my mom bought me a second hand car since she thought it's dangerous for riders, a Proton Iswara was purchased. Alhamdulillah, I have been using the car to go back and forth from KL-Penang with ease.

First time: First job
Right after SPM, these young lads went for job hunting. My friends and I went to this pharmaceutical factory and we got a job there as normal operators. My starting salary wasn't that much, only RM500. Very cheap one lor.

First time: First love
Relationship and love are different things. I have been in a normal, man-woman, relationship but I was never in love with her. I dare to say my first love is Inchik S. Never in my life could I ever like someone for so long, think about that person all time and so on. Yeah, he's my first love.

First time: First celebrity crush?
Nah, I'm not so into glamorous world of celebrity. I like them, but not more than that.

First time: First real boyfriend
NEVER HAD ONE!

First time: First best friend
A girl from my kindergarten, her name is NSY. Even until now, we're still friends though might not be as good friends as before. Still, she definitely fits this category.

First time: First teacher
My kindergarten teacher, Cikgu Kursiah! Yes, I remember her name and her mole above her mouth. She was kind, caring, patience and all the good teacher traits a person should have are within her.

First time: First movie at the cinema
It was after PMR. There were nothing to do after the big exam. The school arranged various lengthy and boring talk at the surau all frigging time. I was not rebelling against anything, but I was just trying new things. So, through front gate, my friends and I went out and go straight to the bus station and took a bus to the nearest mall. We watched Tangga 13, an Indonesia ghost movie which was not scary at all. Right after the movie, we went back to the talk which has not yet show any sign to end, and joined it again like a boss.

First time: First dormmate/roommate
I remember all my Terbilang 1 dormmates. There were 8 of us in a dorm. My life changer was in the same dorm as well. Yeah, we were friends but with benefits.

First time: First mobile phone
I was sleeping at home, relieving my tired body from a five days camp at Pulau Tuba. Wilderness camp was exciting nevertheless. Then my dad woke me up, out of sudden he took me to a shopping mall in Alor Star (we were living in Kedah at that time) and bought me a phone of my choice. It was a SONY ERICSON K300i if my memory is right. Yeah, so that's how I get my first phone.

First time: First competition I won
I was (not sure now) gifted in coloring. I won my first coloring contest during kindergarten. In fact, come to think of it, though I wasn't the best, I won most of the coloring competition I ever entered. Not bad CB, not bad.

So panjang lor!
Setakat ni jelah kot, tak nak membebel panjang. Mengantuk sudah.

Hormones The Series Season 2 Finally Ended

I had just done watching HTS's last episode. I'm a bit late, I know. Yet, there's nothing I can do.

First of all, like I had previously posted, reality is not always beautiful. What you did in the past, will always has effect on you, either physically or mentally. And script writers, producers or who ever did this last episode of HTS did just that. In fact, it was done perfectly beautiful.

As this is the last episode, story line was about the characters were ending their last and final semester. No more high school, university life starts right after. Each characters were given a chance to redeem for wrongs they had done. Some were forgiven while some, well they just have to learn to live with guilt and consequences for their entire life.

Everything was subtle, the apologizing, the forgiving and so as the hatred (wasn't that subtle actually). Words are a medium to express thoughts, but through good acting (I'm not saying they are great though), emotions are delivered. The actors did just damn right. I cried quite a lot of time.

All in all, it's not a heavy plot. I believe viewers could easily relate themselves through these representations the the characters. Yes, some might not given the end they wanted because apparently the world is not a wish granting factory. Nevertheless, the end is applause-able.

Thank you for giving me such a wonderful season of drama. Hope to see more beautiful piece in season 3.

Not every cloud has a silver lining

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to those who celebrate it.

I just watched Hormones The Series (HTS) episode 12. I read some comments from other viewers. They were saying season 2 of this series is becoming depressing. It is all about tragedy, one after another. Never a happy moment.

Some viewers might demand happy ending for each episode. They said, these viewers want to use series as such to run from reality and let them drunk in fantasies. They forget, there are also viewers who want to relate themselves to such portrayed incidents in HTS. They want to feel belonged. They want to know they are not alone. There are these kind of viewers and I believe this is what the producers are trying to approach.

Here's what I thought, since HTS draws on social issues among teenagers of Thailand, you bet there are always problems. Speak the truth although it hurts. What HTS portrays is happening there, in fact, in Malaysia as well. A mistake you did in the past, in reality, will haunt you forever. There's never a happy ending. You did what you did, and there will be consequences. If it is not in the form of physical, emotionally, you will be affected. But life don't wait for you to grieve, we live with it. Move on while finding a way to live for what you have done.

I did.

Eventhough depressing moments were always in this series, back to the producer's target group, what the characters felt and gone through might give them hope and help, morally. Some people just want a bit of love and attention, they want to be recognized. They are here, they are alive and they want your help.

Less hatred, more love and stop judging.

I hope this feeling I am having towards this man ends. This is a wish I am wishing.

Typing...

I love that word when it appears on my phone screen, especially from that special someone. But it doesn't come very often, only now and then. Rare, indeed.

That short euphoric moment.

Humans love things that make them sad and unhappy. Typical pathetic me, human.

Friday, 26/9/2014

Makanya, lepas solat terus makan tengahari. Entah, tiba-tiba teringin nak makan 'onigiri', lalu terus aku beli dua walhal dah kenyang pun. Itu yang sampai tak habis dan terpaksa bungkus untuk dibawa pulang.

Dekat kedai tu juga, mereka sediakan sebuah papan untuk menulis kenangan, comment dan sebagainya. Aku pula, itulah yang aku tulis. Tak pernah lekang dari ingatan. Kata-kata yang aku petik dari Ibnu Kaula.

Coba-coba

Aku perlu tahu, agar curiosity tak lagi menghantui aku.

Random strangers. Kawan aku cakap yang kiri cute. Bukan taste aku.

Random dogs picture.

Not so random membership of Otot-otot. Google yourself. Pertama kali cuba. Curiosity kills the cat. I hope it doesn't kill me.

These are from today. Good night people.

Of distance and time.

Semester baru akan bermula esok (8/9). Aku pun dah sampai ke kolej kediaman. Mula berjauhan dengan semua orang di kampung. Sayonara juga kepada Inchik S.

Ya, aku perlu lupakan dia. Bodohnya aku sebab tersuka kepada orang macam dia. Orang yang...... macam dia. Entahlah, suka tu tak perlukan alasan. Baik atau pun buruk.

Semoga jarak dan masa dapat membantu aku. Tolong wahai masa, tolong wahai jarak. Tolong aku Sang Pencipta. Tolong.

Selamat malam.

Broken heart

"Aku memang dah yakin dengan pilihan aku."

"Serious la hang yakin? Serious ni?!"

"Ha, betoi la. Hang tau dak, dulu waktu pak guard bank aku tu dok mintak-mintak no cenggey (awek) dan dok offer kat aku, aku terpikiaq apa tau? Awek aku tak buat kat aku macam ni, takkan aku nak buat kat dia macam ni?"

I looked to the front, stared blankly at the road. We just had our dinner and on our way home. That words of his felt like the biggest slap I had ever received. Reality finally hit. Tears started to build up and I was on the verge of crying. We were in the car, he was sitting at the back, I was at the front passenger sit and another friend was driving. I couldn't show my tears. Hold it back, that was what I did.

Even now, I am writing this at 6.30 am in the car going on a trip with family, I still have this feeling of disappointment. Tears are like waiting to burst out from these filthy eyes of this sinner. Because that is what I do best, crying my heart out in my silence.

"...Ya Allah, kau berkatilah hubungan kami, aku dan dia. Agar menjadi SAHABAT yang membawa kepada Engkau, bukan sebaliknya...."

A piece of prayer I pray every last sujud of mine.

Perlis, 23 Ogos 2014

Ali, "CB, awat hang tak dak awek? Rupa dah ada, belajaq pun pandai. Heran la aku. Pasaipa ha? Cuba habaq mai kat aku."

Aku hanya mampu tersenyum, Inchik S juga seperti memahami untuk tidak bertanya lebih lagi. Apatah lagi meletakkan aku dalam keadaan yang kurang selesa seperti yang aku rasa sekarang. Seperti mana tiap-tiap kali soalan seperti itu dituju kepada aku, dibiarkannya tergantung dengan sekuntum senyuman yang punya maksud mendalam.

.

penulisan tak berkualiti. tapi diri tetap mahu didengari. maaf.

Kesedihan melampaui kegembiraan

Assalamualaikum.

Cukup tersiksa dengan signal yang diberikan Inchik S. Sungguh!

Terkadang aku menangis dalam solat, mengapa berat betul dugaan yang Tuhan berikan. Susah.

Aku dan Inchik S memang rapat, tak perlulah diceritakan lagi. Baru-baru ini kami ke Perlis atas urusan yang perlu diselesaikan Inchik S, aku diajak menemaninya. Urusan tersebut sekejap sahaja, masa yang selebihnya dihabiskan dengan berjalan-jalan. Ahhh, romantiknya. (Syok sendiri)

Mulai dari situ hati aku, iman aku, banyak jugak digoyang-goyang, macam ribut.

Dua hari lepas, aku mengajak pula Inchik S untuk keluar pada hari Sabtu akan datang. Bukanlah niat aku untuk sekadar berdua, tapi disebabkan rakan-rakan kami yang lain kebanyakkannya sibuk, jadi aku tak langsung sebut tentang mereka. Biasanya, mereka akan bermain futsal setiap Sabtu, malah mereka juga rancang untuk mengadakan BBQ pada Sabtu ini.

Melalui group Whatsapp aku dan rakan-rakan, entah kenapa Inchik S menyuruh yang lain menundakan rancangan mereka ke hari Ahad, katanya beliau ada rancangan. Dia tak belum lagi memberikan kata putus untuk keluar bersama aku, jadi aku andaikan dia memang betul ada rancangan dengan cenggeynya (awek). Hancur hati aku, tak dapat keluar berjalan-jalan dengannya.

Tadi, aku dan Inchik S sahaja, kami berdua keluar untuk makan malam. Kemudian dia  memberitahu tentang permintaannya agar rakan-rakan yang lain agar menundakan perancangan ke hari Ahad. Malah disuruhnya mereka membuat OT bagi yang bekerja, semuanya agar kami dapat keluar berdua. Reaksi aku, berbunga-bunga di dalam hati. Padahal, tak pernah pula aku menyatakan yang kami hanya keluar berdua.

Pada masa yang sama, aku keliru. 

"Apa yang kau nak dari aku?"

"Kau jangan main-main, aku dah cukup terseksa sekarang."

Aku sedar kami serupa fizikalnya. Aku sedar setakat mana batasan aku. Itulah yang membuatkan aku kembali sedih. Agamalah yang menetapkan garis panduan kehidupan tatkala hati tidak lagi bertindak waras. Aku harap jasad ini tidak terikut kata hati. Kerana sekali saja aku melangkah ke arah itu, maka akan hancurlah apa yang ada sekarang.

Kesedihan melampaui kegembiraan.

I'm swayed

Inchik S sent me this. Lemah iman sekejap.

Dan sebenarnya...

Sebenarnya, selepas Putera post pasal pengalaman dia beli kondom, maka aku yang curious sejak dulu terus memberanikan diri untuk membeli sekotak kondom. Ha ha ha.

Di atas adalah jenis kondom yang aku beli. Murah, RM3.40 sahaja. Ceritanya begini, hampir sepuluh minit aku belegar-legar di luar kedai 7eleven berdekatan kawasan asrama aku untuk membeli kondom ini. Sebabnya adalah untuk menanti waktu yang sesuai di mana kurangnya pelanggan. Kuranglah juga malu yang aku akan alami.

Bila waktu yang aku tungu-tunggu tak sampai juga, aku beranikan diri, masuk ke kedai dan terus ambil yang mana ada di depan mata. Kekalkan muka selamba dan bayar. Ikutkan hati nak yang mahal sedikit dari yang ini, jenama DUREX kalau boleh, tapi nak buat macam mana kan, takut sangat. Terima jelah.

Semestinya aku dah buat praktikal dengan benda ni.

Dan sebenarnya, aku ada beritahu Inchik S tentang ni. Biasalah lelaki muda, innocent and curious, disuruhnya aku simpan untuk dia. Teringin juga nak tahu katanya. Hahahahahaha.

Nanti aku nak beli lagi. Beranikan diri sikit dan beli yang aku betul-betul mahu seteah dipilih.

P/s: btw, ada kondom yang percuma vibrator for male. Ring type vibrator kot.

Indulged in food

This post is mostly about food.

Friday, 8th August 2014.
I volunteered myself for an event by kemenerian belia or something, Asean Cultural and Food Festival. I was told that the event was part of a three days pre-conference of Asean youth leaders, something like that. For me, it's the food festival that attracted me the most. Took so little pictures and a few selfies.

As its name suggest, foods from Asean countries were prepared along with our local food. Well, let me just say that those food are not for my taste bud. Picture below is one whole Kambing Golek being prepared. As a volunteer, we got to eat all food earlier than visitors since we had to 'work'. Frankly, there were not much works to do, all I did the most was ate, lot of eating involved. And I must say this, our local food are superbly great.

Sunday, 10th August 2014.
Raya Open House! Drove all the way to Shah Alam for a friend's open house. Again, forgot to take pictures, not even one. My friend, she prepared a lot of food, literally a lot. There were Nasi Tomato, Nasi Dagang, Nasi Himpit, Bihun Sup, Laksa and variety of desserts. She even had Kambing Golek as well. Unfortunately, it was gone when I arrived. Kambing kan, siapa tak nak makan?

I actually attended a peaceful rally at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa before I went to her house. It was Bulan Kemarahan Ummah, a rally condemning Israel's attack on Palestine and showing our support for Palestine of course. This was the reason why I was late and missed that mouth watering kambing golek.

While at Shah Alam, a friend's house is at Klang so why not gave him a visit since the distance is not that far. Had macaroni, his own made  biskut raya, which was so very the sedap, and pisang kaki. Even with so much food I consumed, dinner still needed to be taken. Initially, the plan was to go to Wangsa Maju to have Burger King, then I noticed an interesting restaurant next to it, Pop's Eatery, Comfort Food. Well the tagline sure does well thought because the food is comforting, but not for hungry people because of its very small portion. I had spaghetti bolognese which yeah, okay I guess. It's a bit dry, maybe it's just my taste to have it cair, the gravy. Nevertheless, the food was good. I think it is a local brand cafe, worth to support. Here's its facebook link.

11th August 2014
Had nothing to do today until a friend of mine ajak me to accompany him for a quick shopping of hardware. Tiba-tiba nak beli hammer and paku. LOL.

On our way back, we saw this coffee shop, Espresso Lab. Why not gave it a try and in we went. Made a quick Google-ing and found out that this is an international brand. It was a bit pricey. My drink, Iced Caramel Macchiato cost me RM15. While my friend had his Hazelnut Frappresso for the same price. They also have cakes and pastries. Prices are higher than Secret Recipe I should say. The cafe had astonishing and relaxing interior decor.  I could only think about bringing my novel and spending an evening there, one hand holding a coffee and another a book. If you want to find other outlets, check it here.

Honestly, I am trying to loose weight but this festive season is making me to add more. Pfffttt..

Kedua kalinya

Inchik S, penat dan keletihan maka tertidur dalam perjalanan pulang setelah kami menonton The Fault In Our Stars, kedua kalinya bagi aku. Dengan cota di genggam, entah apa yang dimimpinya.

Tiket bertarikh 10 November 2011, telah hampir tiga tahun. Seorang kenalan yang bekerja di TGV memberikan tiket percuma kepada aku dan Inchik S. Hanya kami berdua. Walaupun cerita entah apa-apa, tapi masih gembira sebab dpat melihat wayang hanya berdua. Gatal. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, hari ini aku gembira. Kesampaian juga hajat aku.

He rubbed it on my face.

"Esok wayang jom?"

"Esok aku nak keluar dengan cenggey (girlfriend) aku. Tapi nak follow boleh je."

"Cenggey tu siapa?" Belum faham maksud 'cenggey' tersebut.

"Cenggey aku la, nak follow jom."

"Awek kau ke?"

"Habis tu?"

"Ouh, tak apalah. Haha."

"Aku kenal perempuan tu je. Dia okay je kalau kau ikut sekali."

"Tak apalah, aku tak okay."

"Nak follow jom. Dah banyak kali dah aku pelawa."

"Tak nak."

"Betul tak nak ni? Aku nak belanja kau lagi. Haritu serius sangat suruh aku belanja."

Perbualan whatsapp aku dan Inchik S petang tadi. Sedih, ya, jujur aku cakap aku hampir menangis. Mata mulai berlinang dengan air mata. Aku tahan, tak mahu pipi aku basah kerana dia. Entah, mungkin kerana cemburu buta, cemburu yang sia-sia. Dia bukan milik aku, tapi aku berlagak seperti aku yang punya.

Petang itu juga aku keluar dengan keluarga aku. Mood memang langsung serba tak kena. Perjalanan ke destinasi bersama keluarga aku hamburkan kata-kata kutukan kepada pengguna jalan raya yang lain. Aku berasa marah. Riak muka aku memang berubah masam. Aku sedar dan cuba untuk mengubahnya, namun gagal. Sungguh aku terkesan dengan ajakan Inchik S untuk temankan dia keluarkan bersama 'cenggey'nya.

Malam itu selepas pulang ke rumah, aku terus menghidupkan enjin kereta dan menuju ke gerai tomyam. Cadangan ingin sekadar melepak. Rakan-rakan lain turut bersama-sama. 

Sekali lagi Inchik S tidak berhenti mengajak aku agar menemani dia. Aku sekali lagi terasa seperti sengaja di permainkan. Sedih dan marah, seperti dia sengaja mahu menunjuk-nunjuk.

Aku tak mahu ikut, tak mahu melihat perempuan itu, aku cemburu. Takut aku termarah, tidak pun ter-menangis. Tak, aku tak mahu. Aku sedih. Kenapa dia bukan aku yang punya?

Video ini aku tahu dari blog Annas Yusry. Aku harap kisah aku tak seperti ini. Aku sedih.

The Fault in Our Stars

Now, have you guys watched the movie version of The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. If you not, I would recommend you to go and watch it now before they stop playing it.

It was absolutely brilliant. My tears went down like a stream of river, non-stop. Luckily the time I watched this movie, it was Tuesday afternoon, so seats were empty. I wanted to sobs so hard while watching it, but thinking there were few people behind me, I had to hold my sobbing. Crying without sound is so unsatisfying.

I have read the book but never once I cried. The movie blown me away. I think I need to re-read the book, immerse myself into Hazel Grace Lancaster's world and be prepared to have the side effect of dying, depression. I am going to intentionally depressed myself with this book, a good kind of depression. LOL.

Go and watch the movie! And read the book as well.

p/s: Asked Inchik S to buy me ticket for this movie. Yes, I want to watch it with him, hope to cry with him and of course am happy to see this movie again. (hope he buys it though)

Am I Wrong?

Lirik lagu ini dapat difahami dengan dua maksud; 1- Pilihan hidup yang berbeza, lebih susah, namun itulah yang terbaik bagi dirinya. 2- Hubungan cinta yang terlarang.

Aku suka.

Ramadhan 16, 1435.

Half of Ramadhan had already made their ways, gone.

My fasting started with a bit, definitely not much, of test. Gastric pain came on the first three-four days of fasting. Barely make it, I held onto my patience which surely was tested. Made it without skipping my fasting even once. I gave myself so much credit for that.

These few days, I repeated Love of Siam. Not feeling depressed, but I just wanted to explore more of this story. Getting the escape from reality for a moment, tasting the love I could not get from this movie. Personally, this movie is terrific, breath-taking. There are parts where I cry, laugh and feeling of smacking someone in the face also appeared. But nahhh, I am not going to do a review here (thinking of doing that in a near time).

Ramadhan so far went well. I occupied my days with sleep, lots of sleep! Nothing interesting happened, that's why I choose not to update my blog. Besides, the mood was not there.

And Palestine-Israel conflict is getting worse. Please, please, please pray for Palestinians. Not because you are a Muslim, but because they are attacked with invalid reason, injustice is happening. Return humanity, #PrayforGaza. A friend of mine, a Palestinian said she is worried because food supply is gone. She's worried what should she give her children for sahur. If you wish to contribute, please do so through most trust-able source which are Aman Palestin, Aqa Syarief or Islamic Relief Malaysia. They have their way to supple sources to Gaza. Please, I beg you.

Here are ways you can give through Aman Palestin:

Akaun bank atas nama Aman Palestin Berhad 
Maybank: 562263010787
CIMB: 8600460353
Bank Islam: 12029010047880
RHB: 21245760004907
Muamalat: 12070005133717
Bank Rakyat: 220806195922

1 Ramadhan 1435 (Ahad)

Sepanjang zaman degree, ini pertama kali aku berpuasa di kampus. Sebelum-sebelum ini, aku dirumah. Cuti 3 bulan yang dieksploitasi dengan tidur yang sebanyak mungkin juga aktiviti memenuhkan mulut setiap masa (kecuali bulan puasa).

Kali ini, pertama kali aku berada di kampus menyambut Ramadhan Kareem.

Sedih sangat. Kenapa?
Berbuka seorang diri di dalam bilik tanpa seorang pun teman. Bukannya aku tak punya kawan, tapi malas untuk ke bilik rakan-rakan, tak kenal roommate mereka dan sebagainya adalah alasan aku berbuka di bilik seorang diri.

Perasaan sewaktu berbuka tadi, sunyi, forever alone.

Teringat sewaktu zaman asasi. Ya Allah, gembira sangat waktu tu. Bazaar Ramadhan hanyalah sedepa dari kampus. Itu pun kalau terpaksa berbuka di kampus. Kalau di kolej, betul-betul sebelah dinding kolej kami. Makanan yang selalu aku beli, aku ingat lagi, Nasi Ambang atau Nasi Kerabu. Sedap yang amat!

Bilik aku meriahnya tak ingat dunia. Tak perlu kami ke kedai, ke tempat hiburan atau sebagainya. Lebih selesa berbuka di bilik bersama rakan-rakan. Ahli bilik semuanya 6 orang, ditambah pula rakan-rakan bilik lain yang tumpang sekaki memeriahkan waktu berbuka. Sepanjang Ramadhan, ahli forum yang sama ramai, sama meriah berjaya kami kekalkan. Seronok.

Cara kami bergembira sedikit jelik. Menganjing masing-masing ahli forum. Tak payah nak terasa hati sangat, sebab kami tahu semua sekadar melawak. Masing-masing ketawa sesama sendiri. Ambil peluang yang ada untuk balas dendam, dan sambung ketawa lagi. Kuat gila kalau sekali kami mula ketawa, sumpah!

Ahhh, rindu zaman asasi. Tapi, tak tahulah apa jadi. Tamat zaman asasi, masing-masing ke institusi pelajaran tinggi yang berlainan, atau bertukar ke kos yang lain sekalipun di tempat yang sama. Kami mulai renggang.

Apa pun, aku gembira kerana pernah ada memori itu. InsyaAllah, hari ini nak cuba berbuka di masjid. Mungkin suasananya lain dan mungkin membawa sesuatu yang lain juga. Selamat berpuasa para pembaca. Selamat juga menyambut Ramadhan Kareem.

Ramadhan 1435

Ramadhan datang lagi.

Jangan tinggal puasa dan banyakkan bersabar. Cuaca yang panas ni memang akan menguji kita. InsyaAllah besar lagi ganjaran yang akan kita dapat.

Facebook

Baru buat Facebook, sila add. :)

Belanja

Aku pernah janji untuk cuba membuang perasaan terhadap Inchik S. Susahnya untuk sekadar mencuba.

Sepanjang semester lepas, aku jarang sekali berjumpa Inchik S. Maka setelah cuti semester aku bermula, sepatutnya kami dapat berjumpa dengan kerap seperti sebelum-seelumnya. Tapi oleh kerana Inchik S sudah bekerja di sebuah bank, kawan-kawan yang lain juga sibuk dengan ekerjaan masing-masing, dalam tempoh cuti dua minggu aku hanya 4 kali sahaja kami berjumpa. Itu pun sekadar melepak sekejap di gerai Char Kuey Teow sepertimana kebiasaan.

Namun, kali keempat kami berjumpa, sehari sebelum aku pulang ke universiti, kami hanya keluar berdua. Aku yang ajak. Jumaat (20/6/2014) dia baru pulang dari kerja dan mengadu kelaparan serta kebosanan. Aku yang sedang berjumpa rakan yang lain ketika itu segera menghubungi Inchik S sebaik aku pulang. Aku pergi menjemput dia.

Agak lama kami berborak kosong. Tiada topik tertentu. Jam lewat menunjukkan 12 malam, aku mulai mengantuk. Lalu diajaknya pulang. Dia tidak memberi respon. Entah, mungkin tak dengar agaknya. Terus sahaja kami berbual. Bayangkan betapa aku harus mengawal perasaan, mengawal mataku dari selalu memandang dia, mengawal tangan dari selalu membuat lawak yang memerlukan sentuhan. Hah, sempaat lagi mengambil kesempatan.

Lewat sehingga 1 pagi, akhirnya aku yang tak dapat lagi menahan mata dari terlelap terus mengajaknya pulang sekali lagi. Kami bergerak ke kaunter bayaran. Selalunya kami akan bayar asing-asing, maklumlah pelajar. Inchik S pun baru sahaja bekerja. Tetapi kali ini, terus sahaja dia bayarkan semua sekali tanpa berkata apa-apa. Tersenyum lebar aku ketika itu. 

Berat hati untuk menghantar Inchik S pulang, lalu aku membuat beberapa pusingan di taman dia. Inchik S juga tidak membantah. 

Sedih sebenarnya. Mengapa harus aku berasa begini pada seorang lelaki, lelaki yang tidak langsung menunjukkan minat kepada aku. Sedih tapi itulah yang harus dihadapi. 

Someone sees beneath my beautiful, please.

The lyrics, ahhh, how I wish someone could say these to me. One of many wishes I wish but almost impossible to be true.

Who knows?

How I wish.

Criteria for a major depression episode

For most of the time during a two week period, a person experiences at least five of the following criteria. He or she must experience a change from previous functioning (at least one of the first two symptoms must be present), and all but suicidality must be present nearly every day.

• depressed mood most of the day
• markedly diminished interest of pleasure in all or most daily activities
• significant weight lost or unusual increase or decrease in appetite
• insomnia or hypersomnia
• psychomotor agitation or retardation observable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy
• feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
• difficulty maintaining concentration or making decisions
• recurrent thoughts of death or having suicidal thoughts, plans, or attempts

The symptoms are not attributable to a medical condition or use of a substance.

The symptoms cause significant distress or impairment.

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Sumber di atas datangnya dari buku teks Abnormal Psychology, salah satu subjek yang di ambil oleh pelajar-pelajar jurusan Psychology. Aku bukan dari jurusan ini. Mungkin takdir untuk aku terJUMPA dan terBACA fakta tentang episode kemurungan. Ya, malangnya, aku mengalami semua symptoms yang telah digariskan di dalam buku tersebut.

Walaupun simtom-simtom tersebut tidak berterusan, kekerapan ia berlaku membuatkan aku bersangka ianya adalah normal, biasa. Andaian aku ternyata salah. 

"Recurrent thoughts of death or having suicidal thoughts, plans, or attempts."

Acapkali dalam solatku, atau doa-doaku, aku memohon agar Tuhan mematikan saja jiwa berdosa ini. Mengapa perlu aku terus hidup dalam dosa ini, kerana aku tahu amat susah malah mungkin tidak untuk aku keluar dari kehidupan hina ini.

Matikanlah aku. Aku penat dengan perasaan bersalah, perasaan berdosa. Tapi tetap sukar untuk berhenti. Matikanlah aku Ya Allah. Aku tahu banyak dosaku, tapi dari aku terus hidup sebegini rupa, biarlah cuma setakat ini. Aku dah serik. Aku dah tak mahu, Ya Allah.

Itulah doaku. Aku fikir biasa sahaja untuk sentiasa berfikir begitu. Fikir mati dari hidup. Rupanya tidak.

Pernah juga aku terfikir, bertuah pesakit-pesakit kanser, pengidap-pengidap HIV, pesalah-pesalah bakal hukuman gantung, sesungguh Allah telah memberikan amaran yang nyata. Mereka telah tahu terlebih dahulu kemungkinan kematian mereka. Mereka diberi amaran. Mereka harus dan sempat untuk bertaubat. Berhenti dari dunia hina yang mungkin mereka berada di dalamnya. Masih sempat untuk berlari keluar. Tapi aku? Aku cemburu kepada mereka. Maka aku minta dimatikan sahaja.

Aku penat.

Morning rain, Khamis (12/6/14)

Though I live,

it is not I am really living,

In this world,

it is like a window-less prison.

Though I laugh,

it is not I am really laughing,

That I look shabby,

as if I am crying.

Whom I love,

I couldn't say it,

I couldn't even show it.

I regret everything,

in the moment I fell asleep.

As I live,

As I live,

and become tired,

due the sadness I caused.

As I cry,

As I cry,

and become exhausted,

When it happens,

whom Should I think of,

even foe once?

I will laugh because I am force to laugh,

I will live because I am forced to live.

None is by my side,

I end up crying.

As I burn

As I burn,

and some still remain,

I burn everything,

until I am satisfied

As I live.

Rabu (11/6/14)

Bawa kawan-kawan dari jauh makan durian Balik Pulau.

Dua hari yang sibuk

 Peperiksaan terkahir untuk semester ini.

 Pulang ke kampung, ayuh!

Sabtu (7/6/14)

Bangun lewat, makan tengahari yang sangat lewat. Kemudian pergi mencari kelas kosong untuk melepak sambil streaming variety show korea. Ya, walaupun esok kertas peperiksaan terakhir untuk sem ini.