Ask me questions!

Banyak yang telah terjadi sepanjang tahun 2015. Awal tahun ini bukanlah sesuatu yang menyeronokkan. Disusuli dengan tragedi, dan hampir ke penghujung pun masih ada yang kurang enak berlaku. Nantilah, bila dah aku nampak jalan-jalan penyelesaian, atau masa depan, aku cerita. Sekarang ni, biarlah dulu.

Anyhow, because the year almost comes to its end, aku menjemput para followers yang seciput ini untuk bertanyakan sebarang persoalan yang korang nak tahu pasal aku. Boleh tanya soalan-soalan korang kat comment section kat bawah, atau wechat (id:jakuone) aku, atau mesej aku melalui Facebook. Nanti soalan-soalan korang aku kumpul and buat satu post baru.

Tanya la apa-apa pun, kalau aku tak rasa benda tu terlalu personal, insyaAllah aku akan cuba jawab, hehe. Aku tahu, aku memang jarang beritahu pembaca pasal diri aku kan. Kalau ada pun, ada la terselit sikit-sikit dalam post-post aku. Tu pun tak detail. Kalau korang tanya, akan aku jawab secara detail. Haaaaa, so tunggu apa lagi?! Offer ends when the clock strikes 12.01 am on January 1st.

Bai bai.

Adik will always miss you.

After 7 weeks of being away from home, I am back.

7 minggu bukanlah satu tempoh masa yang lama. Bukannya juga aku tak pernah tidak pulang ke rumah selama ini. Tapi kali ini berbeza. Kalau dulu, aku akan beriya-iya nak pulang. Sebulan tak balik je dah mula rindu. Taklah sampai homesick, cuma perasaan tak sabar nak balik tu memang kuat.

Dulu, hari-hari mesti bercakap dengan emak. Telefon je pun, bukan lama mana pun. Kadang-kadang 5 minit dah cukup, sekadar bertanya buat apa je. Emak mesti tanya, "Adik nak balik bila?". Dan setiap kali aku pulang ke rumah, emak mesti sentiasa telefon untuk tahu dimana aku. Mestilah, nasihat jangan bawa kereta laju-laju, kalau mengantuk tidur dulu dan lain-lain mesti ada. Walaupun aku tak pernah anggap nasihat-nasihat tersebut sebagai annoying, tetapi aku juga tak pernah betul-betul menghargai nasihat tersebut.

Harini, tiada yang menelefon bertanyakan tentang perjalanan pulang. Sepi.

Bukannya aku dan ahli keluarga lain berlaga angin ke apa, cumanya kitorang tak serapat macam aku dengan emak.Macam aku cakap, kalau sebelum ni, sebulan tak balik pun dah rindu. Sekarang, 7 minggu bagaikan tiada beza. Malah, entah kenapa aku rasa nervous pula.

Since you're not here, everything feels so different. Home is never as sweet as before. I miss you so much.

New Look

I constantly change my blog's look just because I am an indecisive bastard. This time, a more simple and clean look. Bye.

Contacted Inchik S

[Ini adalah untuk peringatan diri sendiri supaya hang tak jatuh hati kat Inchik S balik, Zacky]

I need to write this sebab aku sedar yang aku ni cepat lupa. Kadang-kadang bila tengok balik post-post lama aku, aku macam, "Eh, ni ke yang jadi dulu? La, lupa dah aku".

So I contacted Inchik S. Yeah, whatever. Mesej dia sekejap je. Basically I knew he was in Putrajaya from a mutual friend. Tapi aku pura-pura la tak tahu, nak bagi dia mengaku sendiri. He did, cumanya, dia rupanya sekarang dia dah tukar kat Setapak, KL. Dekat gila dengan aku. Siapa tak rindu kan? Teringin nak jumpa kot. Aku tunggu je dia ajak lepak ke apa, tapi hampeh. Langsung tak makan hint.

Aku tak tahu la aku dah move on ke tak, tapi yang aku tahu kalau aku belum move on, I will!

Sebab dah lama tak jumpa atau mesej dia, aku sekarang terperasaan a few things yang aku tak sedar waktu aku gila-gilakan dia. He's simple minded and full of negativity. Every sentence he wrote, hhmmmm. Aku taknak kutuk dia, dan aku pun tak suka untuk benci orang. Aku ambil ni sebagai a sign yang he's not for me because of this attitude.

Harap-harap tak melekat balik.

Imam Gay

There is something going on on Twitter. An 'Imam' (religious leader for Muslims) admitted that he is gay anonymously through a LGBT twitter account which was created to to give awareness about homosexual towards the public. Hence, the title 'Imam Gay' was created by this new curator which is changed weekly. [Here the link to the twitter account]

To be honest, taklah mengejutkan yang akan ada imam gay macam ni. Aku dah pernah jumpa orang yang Islamik, religious tapi gay. Yang kahwin, apatah lagi. Tapi dalam isu ni, 'Gay' di dalam konteks aku adalah gay yang mengamalkan perbuatan seksual atau apa-apa perbuatan  yang disertakan dengan nafsu.

Kenapa aku perlu highlight kan perkara ni? Pernah dalam satu post aku, aku menyatakan pendapat aku tentang being a gay Muslim, iaitu mempunyai perasaan terhadap jantina yang sama adalah tidak salah di dalam Islam asalkan seseorang itu tidak melakukan perbuatan yang menjurus ke arah maksiat/zina. Dan this particular Imam Gay has the same stand as me. The time I realized someone has been so brave discussing this topic openly, I was excited. The public need to know this, ada pandangan lain yang putarannya 180 darjah berbeza dari yang masyarakat selalu bincangkan.

Antara perkara yang dibahaskan ialah semua ayat-ayat Quran dan Hadis hanya melarang dari melakukan PERBUATAN homoseksual. Kita semua kena bezakan antara perbuatan dan perasaan. Perbuatan adalah bila mana organ-organ tubuh badan melakukan sesuatu pekerjaan. Manakala perasaan adalah sesuatu yang abstrak, yang kita sekadar rasa. Terjadi disebabkan hormon-hormon di dalam badan. Bring me or him, the Gay Imam, verses of Quran, banyak yang cakap tentang perbuatan, but never about humans cannot love someone from the same gender.

Love is abstract, if you say that love contains lust. Than you're either lying or you're lustful even towards your parents, siblings. How can you love them with lust? No, right?

I must remind you that the Imam is practicing celibacy. Maksudnya dia TIDAK MELAKUKAN perbuatan seksual atau apa-apa perbuatan  yang disertakan dengan nafsu.

Public, ramai yang mengecam Imam tersebut kerana menggunakan gelaran Imam dan Gay di dalam konteks yang sama macam those words are oxymoron. Nope, there's nothing wrong with being an imam who practices Islam, never act on homosexual activities but likes the same gender. As I said before, hey, liking is not a sin man.

Dalam hadis riwayat Muslim daripada Abu Hurairah diceritakan bahawa setiap kali seorang hamba berniat melakukan kejahatan, melaikat melaporkan terlebih dahulu kepada Allah SWT, “Ya Allah, hambaMu ini hendak melakukan keburukan”. Allah SWT lalu menurukan perintah, “Awasilah di ajika dia melakukannya juga, tulislah satu keburukan. Namun jika dia meninggalkannya, maka tulislah satu kebaikan lantaran dia meninggalkannya kerana Aku.”

Selagimana seseorang itu tidak melakukan sesuatu PERBUATAN yang dilarang allah, selagi itulah Malaikat tidak akan mencatat di dalam buku keburukannya. Siapala kita manusia lemah ingin menjatuhkan hukum terhadap orang lain.

Last but no least, here's a song by Hozier, Take Me To Church. Sebuah lagu yang menggambarkan perasaan dan tekanan seorang homosexual yang masih inginkan Tuhan tetapi dicemuh dimaki oleh pengikut seagamanya yang lain. Enjoy and adios.

Update

Last night I could not sleep. I did sleep actually, tucked in quite early at that, it was just I woke up early too. So I browse through my phone.

Upon looking through my phone, I found a few pictures that reminisce me of the good old memories. A few pictures of my mom, I miss her, and pictures of Inchik S, I miss him. Coincidentally, a mutual friend of Inchik S and me sent me  a text. I was not really wanting to know about Inchik S, but because I was asking him about all of our other friends, Inchik S was not to be missed.

Apparently, he is not working with Bank Islam anymore. He is now at  Putrajaya, working with the government audit department as I was told.

So near, yet so far.

Instantly I had the urge of texting him. And instantly too, I stopped myself. I know I should not be doing that. It is only two months since I last contacted him. It is still fresh, still new. Judging from my reactions after knowing he is here, I know  there are some feelings left. I need to let things go quick.

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On the other hand, I'm quite content with my life right now. Nothing to grief about. And my tenure in a society I involve in is reaching expiry too. Such a relief, a burden almost lifted.

Talking about my work, recently there is this one guy I met through Grindr. He is from my university, so we were meeting for a casual engagement. 

Here's the thing, I had an article written about me on a student's website. The article is about what I do, it's written as a motivation to the readers. However, my department decided to take the article, with my picture in it and posted it on a public notice board so people can read it. Because of this article, people recognize me, including the guy I was meeting earlier. Now, because of this, my anonymous right has been striped off (macam la ada such right, LOL). So sad okay.

The thing about me, I hate being at the centre of a spotlight, not now or forever. When the department posted my picture without my permission, I didn't like it. Yeah, it was online and I have no right to it, but still, urrgghhh! Besides, I don't want to be judge with who I am and with what I do. My personal life and my professional life are not the same.

That guy I met, he judged me. So I left.

Frankly, me being gay affected no one and me in my professional life only brings benefits to the people I help. That guy has no the right to give me his shit. Don't breed, please.

If I only have a day to live, what would I do?

A few days ago, a friend approached me asking for help. He is doing a research on morphological syntax structure between final year students and form 5 students. He needed me to write an essay with the above title for him to analyse. Interesting title was not it? Below is the essay I wrote for him with a bit more of addition of course, so it suits the blog.

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To be forced with just one more day to live is certainly unfair. There are many things still uncheck from my to-do-list. A lot of knowledge to be learned, debts to be paid, adventures to be conquered and love to be cherished. Yet, if I have to choose, I would choose not among all of the things I have listed. Instead, I choose to live as myself because for me that is the happiest thing I could ever wish for.

To start off, I would tell everyone I love, "I love you", regardless of who they are. Because these people could be my parents, siblings, friends, a silly crush or even a total stranger. Hey, why not? At least I can express myself freely. At least I would not regret for not even trying. Who knows, maybe just my luck someone I confessed accept my confession. Finger crossed. He or she too might have been dreading to tell me his love and when I confessed, both of our dreams come true. A lovely happy ending, right? I hope so. Or maybe Inchik S would even suddenly come out. HAHAHA.

Next, I would write a letter of apology, or maybe just a message to everyone I know regardless I have or have not done anything wrong to them. One thing I do not like in my life is for people to be mad at me. So, I need to apologize. We are not living in this world alone. Sometimes, the things we did might hurt others without us knowing it. There is no harm in apologizing, just do it.

Apart from that, I would want to spend as much time as I could with the people I love especially my family and close friends. Let us have a good last laugh together. I want our happy moment to be their last memory of me. I want them to know how much I love and appreciate them. I want to thank them for all the things they have done for me and all the the time they have spent with me. I really want them to know I appreciate them so damn much. I do not want any of them to feel any regret for not doing the best they could, because they actually did. I do not want them to cry when I am gone because I believe this departure is temporary, there will be time where we will meet again, if God permits. I will always pray for the best for everyone.

People might wonder, don't I have anything physical that I want to do. Of course I have. But let's be real, in the span on one day, it is almost impossible to accomplish everything. I will just settle with living with no bad feelings towards other people and most importantly, be surrounded with the people I love.  That alone would be a beautiful ending. Cheers.

Muses to my ears

These are my all time favourites! I hope you find them interesting as well. Cheers!

This song particularly, I was a nasyeed vocalist during my primary school, I sang this song so many times. Only now, I realise the emotions behind it. 

Opinion Based: The unspoken culture of being a man

I read a confession at one public university's Facebook confession page. A man confessed that all men have watched porn in their life, frequency aside. I would totally disagree with the notion. Because in my life, I know a few guys who said they never, not even once, watched a porn movie. If they lie to me, then they lie lah, but I choose to believe them.

But going back to that random guy's confession, why did he confessed that? I think I could understand his position. It is widely accepted, or at least known, that men watch porn. Hence, the bias statement implying to all men (hasty generalization).

This for me, or at least I think, is a shared culture of the world about men. We watch porn. Hey, it's not okay but we watch it nonetheless. Why? Maybe because men are curious creatures. Everyone knows that, but no one does anything. Well, the ustaz ustazah will of course say something, hati jadi hitam etc. but that's the most they could do. In the end, it's up to oneself.

This culture is unspoken. We know it but we ignore it (some of us). But hear this, not all men watch porn, even once. Maybe the confessor mixed only with the typical men watch porn people. He just has not found that one man angel yet.

Is not it sad that men who watch porn are typical while men who do not are rare? Hmmmm, the harsh reality of the world we are living in today people.

What will the future brings us?

When a tragedy happens, life goes on, not even a time for mourning. That itself is another tragedy.

I can't say whether I am coping things well, or I just do not have the time to think what have I done. Becoming an important person in volunteerism takes me away from my own problems. There are people's problem that I have to worry more.

But I wonder, what will happen to my relationship, between Inchik S and me Are we going to be friends again? Or will he be mad at me? Or will we stay silence forever? I am not sure.

I hope one fine day, I could text him to lepak-lepak again, like how we used to. I know dreams do not often become true, especially in my case, but there is no harm in hoping. Hope is what makes us alive after all. So, I hope my hope does not stay as hope.

Mesej terakhir

"Hi."

"Dekat stesen Kg Baru."

"Apa?"

"Dang Wangi."

"Oh, nak balik dah ke? Weh.

Aku nak sampaikan kepada kau sesuatu.

Kau ni baik sangat. Sampaikan tak nak reject aku terang-terang. Tapi sebab tu aku mungkin lagi sakit hati kot? Aku rasa macam orang bodoh sangat. Berharap kepada orang yang tak nak dekat aku pun.

Mula-mula aku nak minta maaf sebab ganggu hidup kau macam orang gila Biasa la, orang yang suka kat seseorang memang macam ni.

Aku rasa aku perlu berhenti dari ganggu kau lagi. Sebab bila aku buat macam tu, bukan kau je annoyed, tapi aku sendiri pun sama. Aku dah penat berharap, dah penat menangis, dah penat sangat weh. Kalau aku terus contact kau, aku sendiri yang tertipu, beri harapan palsu kepada diri sendiri.

Jadi, aku nak sampaikan yang aku nak berhenti dari terus contact kau. Either kita jumpa ke, facebook, instagram, twitter whatsapp, semualah. Aku kena berhenti.

Dah lama sebenarnya aku fikir pasal ni. Kalau aku teruskan buat macam ni, mesti aku akan lost contact dengan kawan-kawan kita yang lain jugak. Tapi nak buat macam mana lagi, aku dah penat weh.

Aku tahu kau bukan kisah pun. Mesti kau rasa benda kecil je kan? Tapi bagi aku ni perkara besar. Jadi aku nak minta maaf kalau ada salah dan silap, halalkan makan dan minum aku. Aku akan block whatsapp, facebook, instagram dan twitter untuk mengelakkan aku dari terus contact kau, dari terus teringatkan kau.

Kalau kau ada jodoh dengan awek kau, jemputlah aku. Haha, insyaAllah waktu tu aku dah move on.

Aku bukan taknak kawan, aku cuma nak ruang untuk relax kejap. Maaf."

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Entah kenapa, terketar-ketar tangan ini mahu menekan butang "BLOCK". Satu badan jadi kaku, sejuk. I'm not feeling well. I just want to sleep. Goodbye everyone.

He just can't be mean

I'm not sure how I'm going to put this.

Finally, I had an alone time with Inchik S. We went for coffee and just talked. Career, life, his girlfriend and other stuffs.

I asked him, why can't he be mean? Just say that he doesn't want me to like him, want me to stop this feeling I'm having but he didn't say it. I asked again, why can't he be mean? He just smile and we ended talking about something else.

I did say I hate him, for not stopping me from liking him. For being so nice to me. For treating a friend like a soul mate. He ignored my hatred and gave me his foolishly cute smile. I hate him for doing that, I seriously hate to hate him.

I told him I about the existence this blog. How my readers found our stories were amazing, sad and frustrating. How people want to know me because of him. He was interested, but he chose not to know. Some things better be untold, he said.

Nevertheless, I'm happy we had the conversation.

Our serious conversation were triggered from a personality test we did. We were amazed by how accurate the result are, and I actually got to see his personality on paper. I feel like I could understand him better now. It is interesting how a simple test could know us so much. And how we ourselves were amazed by the accuracy of it. You guys should try it too.

http://www.16personalities.com/

Inchik S is an ADVOCATE, an INFJ person. While me is an ADVENTURER, an ISFP person. Take the test and see how accurate the results are.

Pointless not to me.

1. I miss EMAK.

2. I hate Inchik S, but I also love him.

3. Speak less, and listen more.

4. I like to have fun. I am never a serious person, NEVER.

This post might be pointless to you, but not me. I just need to remind myself of a few things I have in mind, that's all.

Berbagi cinta

Aku sentiasa ada satu pegangan, tidak menceritakan mimpi aku kepada orang lain terutamanya mimpi buruk. Tapi malam semalam, aku tak tahu sama ada ianya mimpu buruk atau sekadar mimpi. Yang pasti, ianya bukanlah enak.

Saat terjaga dari lena, aku sedang menangis, tersedu-sedan malah. Aku termimpikan saat aku menyimpan arwah Emak kembali ke tempat asal manusia. Memang sedih yang amat.

Sebenarnya, aku selalu rasa bersalah kerana terlalu memikirkan Inchik S lebih dari arwah Emak. Lagi-lagi semalam, perasaan suka dan bersalah itu bercampur baur. Walaupun Emak sentiasa aku fikirkan, Inchik S juga tak lekang dari fikiran. Nah, malam tadi membuktikan betapa aku tertekan dengan perasaan sendiri.

Manusia itu sayang banyak sekali. Mungkin sampai boleh berbagi-bagi, mungkin. I love them both, I truly am.

It is never easy.

His house was just a few minutes away. I bravely took his hand and linked it with mine. I did it, like a straight couple does.

All the back seats were occupied,so he sat in the middle while I was at his right. After we dropped our friend who was sitting at the back with us, he didn't move. He sat still at with my arm linked with his. Heaven!

Moving on is never easy. But I know, and I remember this, love does not mean we should or could be together because love sometimes hurts.

Oh, aku baru pulang dari Medan sebenarnya. Coincidentally my driver there said this, cinta itu ibarat kentut. Kalau ditahan, sakit. Kalau dilepas, ribut. It's always calm after a storm, I hope.

Amputated

Last night, I slept after Maghrib prayer and woke up to a call from Inchik S at around 2 a.m.

"Didn't you read my whatsapp?"
"Nope, I was asleep and woke up thanks to you."
"Farid got into an accident. His leg was amputated."

I had no response to that, dumbfounded I was. In a blink of an eye, a pass of a second, a person's life change.

"I don't know, man. I have no words for him except how sorry and bad I am for him. The sympathy we feel is not the same as the burden he is carrying. Really."

We ended our call and continue to chat through whatsapp messenger.

I was worried. Inchik S also goes to work riding his motorcycle. He lives in the mainland of Penang commuting everyday, crossing the bridge to get to his bank where he works at the Island part of Penang. It is indeed very far. Even before I came back to KL, he was telling me how he almost got into an accident.

"Please be extra careful. Buy a car, please. It's not that you couldn't afford it."
"Haha, if things are meant to happen, it happens."
"Amboi, senangnya cakap. Benda tak jadi kat hang boleh la."

I was furious of course. He didn't know. He never felt the pain of being sick, of taking care of sick people, of being unable to be true to oneself, of being not good enough. He is oblivious.

I could only wish Farid to be healthy again, to not lose hope and have faith. There is always a silver lining behind every cloud. I wish Inchik S the same too.

27/7/15

Niat aku satu saja, nak cari orang yang aku suka dan suka aku kembali.

Aku pergi clubbing, gay sauna, online gay apps, tapi aku perasan semuanya lebih kepada memuaskan nafsu sahaja. Apa yang aku nak, walaupun 'mencari' dah lama, masih tak jumpa-jumpa.

Jadi, aku nak tinggal semua. Biarlah, kalau ada jodoh, datanglah ia. Cuma lambat atau cepat dan bagaimana caranya aku tak tahu.

By the way, kalaulah Inchik S baca blog aku (dia tak mungkin baca sebab dia tak tahu), aku nak berterima kasih sebab masih berkawan dengan aku, sebab langsung tak awkward dengan aku, sebab masih melayan karenah aku yang gila-gila ni walaupun kau dah tahu siapa aku, walaupun aku dengan tak malunya cakap suka kau dan sebagainya. Terima kasih.

"I can like thousands but I only love you."

Doa untuk emak

Selepas hampir 5 bulan setelah pemergian Emak, baru hari ini aku mimpikan beliau. Ya Allah, rindunya aku kepada emak kuat sungguh.

Emak berbaring mengiring, keadaanya masih sakit. Tapi, tubuhnya tidak  menunjukkan seperti beliau sedang menderita. Aku lihat beliau keadaannya seakan sihat. Air mukanya kelihatan normal, tidak seperti dulu yang selalu menahan kesakitan.

Aku pula berbaring di sebelah beliau sambal memandang ke arahnya. Tanganku mengusap-usap rambut beliau dengan lembut, dengan penuh kasih sayang, dengan penuh kerinduan.

“Kali ni adik pula jaga mak sampai mak mati tau.”

Tatkala terjaga dari tidur, deraian air mata mulai menitis dengan perlahan. Aku teringat kata-kata emak tadi. Walau apa jua maksudnya, aku rindu betul dengan emak.

Dulu, ustaz dari sekolah agama yang aku hadiri sewaktu sekolah rendah pernah menghadiahkan aku doa ibu bapa terhadap anak-anak. Aku ambil dan beri pada emak. Sejak daripada itu, sehingga akhir hayat beliau, tiap kali selepas bersalaman dan mencium pipi emak, pasti emak akan membacakan doa tersebut dan mengusap kepala kami adik beradik.

"Ya Allah, Kau permudahkanlah urusan ibuku di sana. Kau ampunilah dosa-dosa ibu. Kau ringankanlah beban-beban ibuku sesungguhnya beliau seorang yang lemah. Ya Allah, Kau jauhkanlah seksaan kubur dari ibuku dan jauhkanlah ibuku dari azab api nerakan. Ya Allah, Kau tempatkanlah ibuku dalam golongan orang-orang yang beriman dan kau tempatkanlah beliau di dalam syurga mu yang tertinggi. Amin."

This raya will not be the same ever again. Adik sayang emak.

Perhentian Trip

Di perkarangan Masjid Ar-Rahman, Pulau Perhentian

Long Beach, Perhentian Besar

Di sebuah stesen minyak yang tutup, kehabisan minyak di tengah malam, so we ended up main Snake.

Di Turtle Point kedalaman mencecah 5 kaki

Our morning lepas dah isi minyak

Chinatown, Kuala Terengganu

Masjid Kristal, Kuala Terengganu

Pantai Batu Buruk, Kuala Terengganu

Where has my heart gone missing?

Home is where my heart 'was'.

I used to call home everyday, if not every two days. Just saying 'hi', changing updates and more. I used to call home very frequently.

Home is not anymore the place I eagerly want to go back to. There is a family waiting for me, but the feeling is not the same anymore because my heart has gone missing.

I had no one to call me at midnight, asking my whereabouts. I had no one to worry for me, to ask about my health, to cook my favourite food. I had no more sweet voice that would heal me even by just listening to it. No more favourite smell that I would get from kissing her hands or her face. No one to constantly ask me when will I be coming home.

I feel a bit lonely. I miss you.

I sleep walked

Okay, dalam keadaan sibuk dan tenat menelaah untuk final yang tak sudah ni, aku terbaca entry Nov Collins yang teringatkan kisah dia dan Syah (crush zaman sekolah katanya). Yang membuatkan aku tertarik adalah perihal Nov mengelamun pergi confess yang dia suka si Syah. Pergh, dasyat. Cerita dia buatkan aku teringat kisah aku.

Al-kisahnya, dulu aku stay asrama. Waktu tingkatan 4, aku sebilik dengan seorang senior setahun tua dari aku. Athletic, badan ber'pack-pack'lah jugak. Sedap mata memandang, tapi waktu dulu-dulu mana aku pandai nak crush-crush bagai ni. Tak pernah.

Nak dijadikan cerita, zaman persekolahan adalah zaman di mana aku mula SLEEP WALKING. Dan senior kacak ni pernah HAMPIR jadi mangsa aku yang sleep walk dan horny! Serious shit aku cakap. One fucking horny night, aku terjaga atas katil senior ni, baring sebelah dia sambil pegang bahu. Aku terjaga, lucky me! Semuanya disebabkan badan dia yang basah sebab baru lepas mandi.

Sebaik tersedar terus aku tanya dia, "Macam mana aku boleh tidur sini?". "Kau datang kat aku kot." Maka aku berlalu pergi ke katil aku dengan perasaan hairan dan awkward. (Ouh, katil kitorang sebelah-sebelah je)

Zaman asasi pulak, ada dua kali jugak kawan aku pernah cerita kat aku yang aku sleep walk.

First, ada roommate aku balik bilik lewat dan dia tak bawak kunci. Aku bangun esok pagi tengok-tengok dia kat atas katil tengah terlentok baik punya. Aku tanya la, "Kau masuk macam mana?". "Kau la bukak pintu untuk aku. Lepas tu kau terus tidur." Ketawa awkward dan buat tak tahu je aku lepas tu.

Second, another roommate yang belum tidur lagi beritahu patung aku jatuh dari katil aku ke lantai (aku tidur bunker atas, double decker bed). Then aku turun and ambil patung tu, pegang and pergi ke tingkap dan terus tenung luar macam orang kena rasuk. Dia yang bunker bawah aku je hairan gila.

Lepas tu dia cakap, boleh pulak aku pergi tengok sorang-sorang roommate aku, including dia. Mata aku terpejam je dia cakap. Dia kata dia takut dengan dua kemungkinan, 1) aku kena rasuk 2) aku nak rogol dia (babi!). Aku dengar pon meremang bulu roma kot. Lepas je aku pegi tenung sorang-sorang, aku sambung tidur macam tak ada apa-apa yang berlaku. Maka esoknya berceritalah dia kat aku pasal apa yang jadi malam tu.

Sebenarnya adalah lagi kejadian lain yang membuatkan aku tahu aku sleep walk based on orang cerita and a few incidents yang aku macam ragu-ragu bila bangun tidur.

Alhamdulillah, aku rasa sekarang aku dah tak sleep walk dah kot. Sebab aku dah tak suppress anything dah., I'm an open book and I'm happy. There are no solid proves why orang sleep walk, but ever since I overcome my depression, I'm doing finelah.

So, yeah. Itu je nak cerita. Thanks Nov sebab ingatkan aku kisah sleep walking aku ni. LOL.

Emak's lovely absurdities

During high school years, I stayed in a hostel. Since even Form 1, I always went back to my hostel alone by taking public transportation. My house at that time was in Kedah while I went to a school in Penang. So yeah, traveled from Shahab Perdana to Butterworth, then I would take a ferry to Penang and took a public bus to my school. A hell lot of a journey.

Emak always told me to call her once I arrived. One time, I didn't.

The next day, there was an announcement made from the school office summoning me. Apparently, Emak had called the office and told them to pass a message to me which was to call her back. Emak was so funny. Somehow she could think of calling my school just to be sure I arrived safely.

While during my asasi period, I had to attend a Munshi or was it a Medsi test in UiTM Puncak Alam (I was doing my asasi in Shah Alam at that time). Told Emak to call me in the morning because I wasn't sure if I could wake up in time. She called and I didn't hear them calls.

Suddenly, loud knocks came from my front door. I woke up to see my cousin,, also living in Shah Alam, came just to wake me up. I didn't miss my test nor was I late, thanks to Emak.

Recently, I need to get to KL Live but had to stay up late the night before. A friend of mine whom I was supposed to go to KL Live with called me but since I am a deep sleeper, hell no I would hear those calls. He called my other friend whose room is just one stairs up. Like what my cousin did, he knocked on my door and that woke me up. 

The action triggers these memories of Emak.

She did a lot for me and surely I depend on her on lots of things. Rindu emak sangat-sangat.

I jotted down these fond memories so they will not be forgotten. Let this writing be her memoirs, a prove of how she was a great person to me.

Memories

Sunday, 22nd February, two days before Emak passed away, the memory still vividly remains in me.

Ayah had just bathed Emak. Kaklong put Emak into her clothes and put her back on her wheelchair. I pushed her to the front of the house's door. Emak didn't want me to fully open the door, only half of it. I obey. While she was on the chair, I combed her. I remember resting her head on my stomach, I was combing her while standing. She has lost all her strength. Even her own head, she could not tilt it straight.

I combed her, gently.

Dad came, "Dulu arwah Pak Andak macam ni la. Sebelum dia meninggal, dia pun tak larat nak tahan kepala sendiri." Dad was the one who took the responsibility of taking care of his late younger brother who died from a liver failure. Hearing his comments, I said nothing. I didn't want to hear those words, I never believe mom could not be cured. I have faith.

Only two days after that, Emak passed away. And I still linger with her pictures and memories.

I miss Emak. She never was a burden to us, even when she was sick. I swear.

Thank you Emak for the 23 years of my life which you had given me through your sacrifices. I will cherish our memories and your love, forever. The love shall never halt, even if my time stops.

..23..

Happy Birthday to me.

I didn't celebrate. I just feel like not to.

However, I must be honest, semalam when my friends and I went for dinner, tiba-tiba semua macam nak pergi clubbing. So, we did. Haha.

We set our way to Market Place but sadly the place was not operating as a club last night, it was just a fancy boring bar. By the way, I've only been clubbing once, okay. Since we have no other options, kitorang pergi la Blue Boy. It was my first time. The place is lousy, dirty, at a back of an alley, banyak tikus and lipas. Dan yang paling penting, banyak gila pondan. Ada pulak drag show last night, lagi lah. I was just uncomfortable, it's not because I don't like pondan yer, it's because of the condition of the place. Nothing fancy, all in all, it looks cheap. Sangat-sangat berbeza dengan Market Place.

I swear I will not go there anymore. Kot, hahaha.

Mind you eh, aku tak minum alcoholic drinks. Aku went for the ambiance and music, hence, dancing. Yeah, one good thing about Blue Boy is that the songs are okay lah.

Lepas habis clubbing, kitorang g Q-Bistro or something in Cheras. My friend said it's a place where gays go to eat. Sebab tu lah  aku nak pergi. I just want to explore things last night.

Arrived there and realised the customers were the same faces we met dekat Blue Boy, LOL.

Lepas tu pergi pula Taman Tasik Permaisuri since dah dekat and I really wanted to see the infamous 'gay tasik'. I saw pondan-pondan cari customers and then brave guys looking for casual sex. Kitorang just parked our car, tak keluar pun. Then ada this one pak cik datang tepi kereta kitorang and tunggu, signing us yang dia nak action. Gosh, scary. We just want to see, keluar kereta pun tak kot. So, we ignored him.

Then lepas pak cik tu blah, ada another car parked beside us. Mamat tu bajet-bajet hisap rokok, padahal cari batang. Haha.

That was it. My first experiences of a lot of things. The night was interesting la nevertheless. It was a revelation. I won't be doing the things those guys did, it's just I need to know how and why they did it.

Hold our judgement if we know nothing. In fact, keep the judging to ourself only.

Anyway, Happy 23rd Birthday to me.

Aku selalu sekadar berangan-angan.

"Nanti dah kerja nak beli rumah. Bagi mak ayah duduk rumah besar sikit."
"Nanti kerja nak beli kereta mahal. Bagi mak ayah merasa naik kereta mewah."
"Nanti  ada duit nak beli jubah untuk mak pakai, mesti lawa."
"Nanti nak beli bag kulit tu dekat ayah. Selalu cakap nak, tapi tak ada duit nak beli."

Angan-angan yang besar. Nak itu dan ini. Semuanya 'nanti'.

Dan 'nanti' itu sudah terlepas, terlambat.

Sekarang, sekadar apa yang aku mampu, aku akan terus buat. Aku tak nak lagi berlengah. You never know when will be the last you'll see your parents, your family members. I learnt my lesson. I appreciate what I have right now.

"Duit tu boleh cari, kebahagiaan tak."

p/s: Nak belikan ayah handphone baru secara online tapi pembayaran secara FPX tak termasuk Bank Islam punya internet banking. Pissed off gila tadi. Haih, terpaksa beli phone lain.

Rest in peace, Siti. I love you.

6/4/2015.

Happy Birthday, Inchik S!

There will always be a place for you in my heart.

I miss Emak.

Nothing in the world could replace her and her love towards me.

May Allah bless your soul,

24/2/2015.

Reasoning and faith in God

God has reminded us in His book, "Have you not ponder...", "Have you not forgotten...", "Don't you think of..." and more.

These words of Allah, He wants us to think, think for ourselves, use our aqal and reason.

In yesterday's class, my lecturer taught us about a poet, Marmaduke Pickthall, which reverted to Islam and even translated the Qur'an. His writing was thoughtful and intriguing. Among the points I agree the most during the lecture was about the use of free thought/reasoning and faith in God, they are compatible.

The society argues that we most follow the Qur'an, Sunnah and Ulama'. Yes, I agree with that. But the thing I disagree is that they want us to blindly follow without a room to discuss other possibilities of solutions we might come out with.

Qur'an is very general, so Sunnah is there to explain it. However, as time passes, a lot of new things happen, changes occur. Hence, there are things that we need to think of our own solution but still based on these two sources of knowledge. I agree with that. And Ulama' are the one responsible to think of Islamic solutions to un-Islamic things.

Now, are not Ulama' humans? Their decision, are not they based on reasoning and faith in God to come out with fatwas?

Understand me, I'm not against Ulama', I'm just against people who want us to follow Ulama' blindly without giving a chance for us to reason ourselves. Yes, we might not be as knowledgeable as the Ulama', but in the end, who's going to put us through hell and heaven? Ulama' is it? NO!

"Wei, mana  boleh kau buat macam ni! Ustaz XXX dah cakap yang ni salah. Kita kena ikut  ustaz ni cakap!"

Everybody has different situations, one rule cannot be applied to everyone. We always say that Islam is a religion of peace, Islam does not burden its followers, then why are you burdening Muslims with your man-made rules?

No, I'm not against Ulama'. Again, I'm against people who force others to practice blind imitation.

Reasoning and faith in God is compatible, they blend.

Life is full of shits.

How many times must I comfort myself?

"God only gives you test you can bear."

"There's a hikmah behind these test."

"Patience is virtue."

and more.


I know not how much longer can I stand begging my own self to believe everything will be alright at the end of the day.

Incidents one after another, misfortunes and more.

When will happiness finally come?

I starting to lose my faith with whatever is beyond my logic.

Life is full of shits.

He said it, finally.

There, he finally said it.

Walaupun aku tak faham sangat dengan "bila masa nak on" tu, I perceived it as:

"move on la bitch, I don't like you but I'm not gonna say it straight forward because we have been friends kot".

I'll try, I will.

Friendzone

I never really expected a relationship between Inchik S and me. I only realise that now.

I am glad I was able to express my feeling for him. And I am also glad he could take it well. We are not in any way awkward to still text each other. I couldn't say I'm sure he really understood my confession, but at least I confessed without being subtle, satirical, behind the bush or whatever terms you could name it. I was honest and straight to the point.

Maybe it's time for me to move on, to look forwards of my endeavors. Maybe, I don't know. Let time and fate show me my way.

The internet people say my situation is called 'friendzone'.

Confessed

"Tak melawak okay" refers to my confession. He replied, "tak cakap pun lawak."

Aku masih menunggu sepasang sandal merah

"Mak beli yang ni dulu tau. Nanti bila-bila mak beli yang lain."

Aku pakai sandal merah yang emak belikan. Tak pernah aku terlintas untuk membeli yang baru kerana aku pegang janji emak. Mungkin sudah takdir, sandal itu adalah yang terakhir emak belikan untuk aku sebelum dia jatuh sakit.

Aku masih menunggu.

Tak pernah terlintas bahawa emak tidak akan sembuh. Harapan, itulah yang mendorong aku untuk percaya bahawa kami sekeluarga boleh melepasi ujian kali ini. Jika tahun 2013 dahulu Allah  mendengar doa kami, tak mungkin Dia akan menolak doa ini agar emak sembuh kembali.

Aku masih menunggu.

Sudah dua minggu sejak pemergian emak. Aku percaya Allah itu ada rancangannya yang lebih baik dari yang kami doakan. Di dalam kelas tadi, Madam ada cakap, "Usually when the wife dies before her husband, she will go to heaven." Ameen, itulah sahajalah yang aku mampu untuk lakukan sekarang. Tiada jasa yang aku boleh lakukan lagi untuk emak melain dengan doa. Itu sahajalah yang aku upaya, namun tetap rasa tak pernah cukup.

Terkadang, air mata aku terkeluar jua. Mana mungkin aku lupa akan seorang wanita yang menatang aku bagai minyak yang penuh selama 23 tahun. Seorang wanita yang sentiasa tabah demi dua orang anaknya.

Aku masih menunggu, sepasang seliper baru menggantikan sandal merah aku.

A song for you

I know, only through du'a will help emak. Somehow, this song describe what is happening and what I am feeling right now.

Lafaz Yang Tersimpan

Luluh hatiku yang sayu

Menatap wajahmu tenang dalam lena

Kasih zahirkan laku

Sedangkan bibirku jauh dari lafaznya

Dan raut tuamu membekas jiwaku

Meredakan rindu mendamaikan kalbu

Tak mungkin kutemu iras sentuhanmu

Biarpun kuredah seluruh dunia

Mencari gantimu

Betapa sukarnya menyusun bicara

Meluahkan rasa menuturkan sayang

Kasih yang terlimpah hanya sekadar

tingkah

Cuma ungkapan kebisuan yang

melindungkan kalimah rahsia

Masih kubiarkan waktu

Melarikan lafaz kasihku padamu

Mengapakah sukar menyusun bicara

Meluahkan rasa menuturkan sayang

Kasih yang terlimpah hanyalah sekadar

tingkah

Cumalah ungkapan bisu kalimah rahsia

Apakah yang hilang andai dilisankan

Bait penghargaan penuh kejujuran

Tak mungkin terlihat cinta yang merona

Jika hanya renungan mata yang bersuara

Bukan tutur kata

Tiada lagi ertinya pengucapan

Andai akhir nafas di hujung helaan

Sebelum mata rapat terpejam

Usah biar kehilangan

Menggantikan lafaz yang tersimpan

Strawberry

"Semalam mak mimpi makan strawberry besaq-besaq ni (sambil menunjukkan tapak tangan emak). Adik beli kat mak strawberry. Mak teringin nak makan."
"Sat lagi adik pi beli nah."

Hampa harapan aku apabila Mydin Parit Buntar tidak menjual buah strawberry. Terus aku ke Jusco Alma, malangnya tetap tiada.

"Hello, kaklong. Sat lagi balik kerja singgah sat beli strawberry dekat Tesco Seberang Jaya. Adik cari merata tak jumpa."

Seusai kerja, kaklong terus menuju ke Tesco Seberang Jaya dan membawa pulang buah strawberry yang emak mahu. Mungkin terlalu teringin, emak berjaya memakan sehingga 4 biji strawberry. Ya, berjaya kerana sebelum ini sesuap nasi pun tak dapat emak mengunyah, apa lagi menelan.

Tapi seperti biasa, apa yang dimakan pasti akan diluah semula walau bukan kehendak emak. Malam itu, sakit emak makin teruk. Muntah sudahlah tidak berhenti, mengerang pula kesakitan. Kami hanya mampu melihat, langsung tak dapat membantu.

"Strawberry ni kecik. Mak nak yang besaq. Adik, bawak mak pi Cameron Highland. Mak nak makan strawberry."
"Tapi mak tak boleh jalan, macam mana nak pi?"
"Takpa, mak duduk ja dalam kereta."

28 Januari 2015

Hujung minggu yang sama, terus kami sekeluarga ke Cameron Highland. Sepanjang perjalan emak diam sahaja. Tapi, mungkin tuhan memberkati perjalanan kami, langsung emak tidak muntah atau cirit. Dari pagi hingga ke petang, emak berjaya menahan diri dari sebarang kesakitan. Sesampai saja di rumah, terus emak tidur. Lama tidurnya. Aku tahu, emak penat. Penat menahan sakit.

"Adik, mak seronok pi Cameron. Nanti mak nak pi lagi. Manis strawberry kat sana. Tapi tak besaq macam yang mak nak."
"Yang besaq-besaq kat Malaysia susah nak carik. Nanti mak sihat kita pi lagi nah."

22 Februari 2015

Jam menunjukkan pukul 4 petang. Sejam lagi aku akan bertolak pulang ke UIA Gombak.

"Mak, harini adik nak balik uni dah."
"Pukoi berapa?"
"Pukoi 5. La dah pukoi 4, lagi sejam adik balik."
"Balik cepat, jalan jam. Bawak kereta pelan-pelan. Duit ada tak?"

Aku terdiam, tak mampu menjawab soalan emak. Emak yang terbaring nazak masih lagi sempat merisaukan anaknya ini. Aku hanya berterusan menangis. Entah kenapa, senang benar air mata aku jatuh pada hari tersebut.

"Mak tak payah la risau pasai adik. Tak payah pikiaq pasai adik. Mak cuba makan tau lepas adik balik ni, bagi sihat balik, kuat," aku berkata sambil menangis teresak-esak.

Tangan emak yang kurus, yang tidak lagi berdaya digerakkan ke muka ku, aku sambut. Tangannya tidak aku lepaskan. Aku lihat emak juga seakan-akan menangis. Namun tiada air mata yang keluar. Yelah, mana mungking seseorang yang langsung tidak makan atau minum boleh lagi menghasilkan air mata. Aku menjadi makin sebak.

Sejam aku di sisi emak, menangis tak henti-henti.

"Mak, adik balik dulu tau. Adik minta maaf kat mak."
"Mak pun sama."

Lalu aku cium emak. Rupanya itulah kali terakhir aku dapat melihat emak bernyawa, kali terakhir aku dapat mencium emak semasa hayatnya.

24 Februari 2015

2.00 a.m.
"Hello CB, pak cik ni. Mak hang dah teruk ni. Sat pak cik pass telefon dekat ayah hang."
"Hello adik, mak teruk dah ni."

4.00 a.m.
"Hello CB, ada kat mana la?"
"Baru keluaq. La ni ada kat jalan Duta."
"Takpa-takpa, bawak kereta elok-elok."

5.10 a.m.
"Hello, adik, ada kat mana?"
"Baru lepas Ipoh."
"Nak bagitau ni, mak dah takdak. Adik jangan sedih nah. Bawak kereta elok-elok."

7.00 a.m.
Aku sampai kerumah tepat jam 7 pagi. Jenazah emak kelihatan tenang, bersih.

Alhamdulillah, urusan pengebumian emak berjalan-lancar. Ramai kenalan ahli keluarga kami yang datang melawat. Malah, segala bayaran untuk pegurusan jenazah dibayar menggunakan duit hadiah tetamu yang hadir melawat.

"Sebelum mak meninggal, mak tanya adik mana. Kaklong kata, tunggu la adik. Dia tengah balik tu. Kaklong tengok mak habis hayat. Kesian kat mak, tapi alhamdulillah sat ja, senang. "

Adik sayang emak

Dear emak, adik berdoa dan berharap emak baik-baik saja di sana.
Your love will always be remembered.
Your happiness will always be in my prayer.

I love you
I miss you
If you only you could come back.

Sekarang, I can't call you anymore.
Ask you buat apa, masak apa, how are the cats doing, ayah buat apa, kak long dah balik kerja belum.

I can't tell you stories anymore
Gossiping with you.

How I truly deeply miss you.

Adik sayang emak.

May Allah grant you Jannah.

Nothing happened

Update: Nothing happened. I was not able to tell Inchik S anything. The break is too damn short. I had no chance to go out alone with him. We did go out, but in a group of friends. So yeah, no heart to heart conversation.

Nevertheless, I don't know, but maybe he goes a bit softhearted now, maybe.

We went to watch Kingsman: Secret Service which is an awesome movie by the way. He didn't bring his sweater along, so I took this chance to 'raba-raba' him, hold his hand saying "Oh, it's really cold" and other shit just as excuses to touch him. He said nothing and let me did what I did.

Inside the car, we were both sitting at the back passenger sit, I rest my head on his shoulder. And even hold his arm (not hands okay). I was absolutely thrilled because he let me did that. Then there's a mosquito flying in the car, I hit it at his chest then said, "Saja je nak raba kau," then he smiled.

What the eff man?! You're confusing me! Do you like me, love me or hate me? Nasib baik tak sempat nak beritahu apa-apa. Gosh.

Recently he went to Vietnam and he got me Kopi Luwak, a cofffee made of fox's feces. Well not exactly real feces, it's actually feces made out of coffee beans which had been digest by fox. Yang nak dikhabarkan di sini, the way he gave me the coffee is do damn funny la man. Lepas kitorang tengok wayang, sambil jalan tu he passed a package of present, "Nah, hadiah", then walked away towards another car (we got there separately but went home together). Shit, malu-malu pulak, sweet ah you. 

So that's it. Aku dah mengantuk sebenarnya. Nak tulis betul-betul pun malas. Tu pasal la kalau korang baca macam shit kali ni, sorry lah. Baru sampai KL after 10 hours of driving. Me so tired liau!

An ending or a beginning

These past few days, I've been thinking.

About the feeling I have for Inchik S, the torture I am going through, I decide that this should end.

I'm going back for CNY holidays. If I ever had a chance, I promise myself I would tell him my life choices, who I really am. However, about liking him, maybe I would skip that part. At least he knows. With all the hints I gave, he surely can figure things out.

I just don't want to lead a sad pathetic life anymore. My life right now is like a still water, nothing flows. I want to create a new path, let the water runs. With the decision I make, climates of feelings, life and relationship will change. For good or for bad, I don't know. But I must be brave because this is about my life.

My decision to move forward. This might be an ending or a beginning.

Wish me luck.

Perspective

My dateline for a novel review assignment is this morning. Tapi tiba-tiba bila baca blog Abang Nu'man terus teringat conversation aku dengan dua orang kawan aku. It happened two days ago.

Aku sebenarnya banyak belajar dari prinsip-prinsip Abang Nu'man. How he handles life. Being a gay does not mean you cannot be a Muslim. I hold strong to that principle.

But I cannot deny, sometimes I am sad. How people like us have to sacrifice our love, to secretly love someone and even to  secretly feel sad for not being able to love the person we love. It's hard.

A friend I just knew two days ago, we just came back from a concert which promotes volunteerism, said that if you noticed, religion aside, everything that we have to force ourselves to do are good things. Eating healthy, exercise or study need to be forced. End results of forcing is always good. True, for me.

Maybe, if maybe, these sadness we feel will bring us good, if not now, hereafter hopefully.

Ahhh, a new perspective I could venture to soothe this aching heart. A hurting heart from suppressing feelings deep inside.

Post ini tidak asli

Asalnya dah mengantuk, berat saja mata nak tidur. Tapi terbaca blog Sharky yang terinspirasi dari Abang Nu'man dan Putera tentang impian yang nak dibuat dengan kekasih (kalau adalah). Jadi, aku pun nak tiru.

Keluar jalan-jalan
Simple tak? Haha, macam yang aku selalu buat dengan Inchik S tapi aku teringin sangat nak keluar jalan-jalan dengan orang yang aku sayang. Tak nak pegang-pegang tangan semua, tipikal. Aku nak satu perhubungan yang malu-malu kucing. Keluar jalan-jalan sambil tangan bergeseran, senyum-senyum malu, ketawa sama-sama, makan bertentang mata. Ahhhhh...

Aku nak rasa perasaan sayang tu, yang tak perlu ditunjuk melalui fizikal, tapi aku tahu dia sayang aku dan dia tahu aku sayang dia. Tapi juga masing-masing malu.

Joging, mendaki dan berenang
Aku malas bersukan. Jadi aku nak dia ajak aku joging setiap petang.

"Jom joging.

Penat la baru balik kelas.

Jom la, nanti malam dapat peluk.

JOM!"

Aku suka daki bukit. Tak lah suka gila, cuma suka saja. Setakat ni baru dapat pergo Bukit Broga (tak mencabar langsung) and Bukit Tabur East (dua kali naik, tak pernah rasa tak seronok! Nak pergi lagi). Nak pergi dengan dia, naik sama-sama. Biar dia tengok aku penat tapi tak putus asa nak sampai puncak. Mana tahu kalau-kalau dia lagi tergoda tengok peluh aku, usaha aku, kan?

Berenang pulak aku tak pandai sangat. Tapi water is like my element! Suka gila! I can swim like forever. Aku suka sungai, laut, taman tema air, semualah. Janji tempat tu boleh berendam lama-lama. Aku nak main air dengan dia, berenang ke tempat dalam dan berenang lah. Kau nk buat apa lagi dalam air kalau tak berenang? Mati nanti sapa nak jawab?

Berpelukan
Okay, ni sebenarnya yang aku paling nak buat. On top of my wishlist tentang perkara yang aku akan lakukan bila dah berkasihan. Nak peluk time tidur, lama-lama. Nak rasa sentuhan dia, tidur dalam dakapan dia, bau badan dia or bau rambut dia. Hahaha, macam pervert but yes, this is what I always imagine if I really have someone I love. I don't really need anything else, even those two wishes mentioned above. Berpelukan adalah segalanya, tapi dalam bilik la.

No, I'm not horny. I just want love.

Peace out.

Make you feel my love by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
And I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

I don't understand straight men

How could you call yourself straight, when you sometimes find sexual pleasure with another men?

Are you saying it does not involve feeling?

Just lust?

Pathetic straight men. As long as you are sexually satisfied, you are okay with it.

Have you ever thought of the men you did with? Your woman who's waiting for you?

I don't understand you, pathetic straight men.

That small bickering

"Update la Instagram."

"Update apa? Tak ada gambar menarik."

"Gambar datang KL haritu ada."

[tiada balasan]

Dengan hati yang sakit, aku membuka aplikasi Instagram dan melihat gambar-gambar di situ. Tiba-tiba aku terlihat sekeping gambar aku dan dia. Gambar kami ketika dia datang melawat tempoh hari. Caption, "Sekupang dua mintak halai."

Aku terus tersenyum.

[Selamat tahun baru 2015]